A lot of avoidant advice seems geared towards people who felt strongly about the person when they started dating, but deactivated at some point later on. What does someone do who can’t even tell who they want to date? I feel broken, like I don’t even have feelings towards people who are actually in my life, besides the feelings of friendly companionship or disgust and fear.

I can’t tell if I deactivate the second I feel a bump of interest in someone I’m on a date with who is actually available, or if the interest just isn’t really strong and so it never grows. I know I’m not asexual or aromantic because I’ve had fantasy infatuations with unavailable people pretty consistently every few years through out my life. But I’m 36 and have never had the experience of “falling in love” with someone I was dating. I have quite a bit of trauma from putting my body in unsafe sexual situations throughout my teens and twenties as I was an alcoholic and also forcing myself to be straight for a long time. I’ve now been out and sober and doing tons of therapy for 8 years, but still, every time I date someone, I feel like I’m forcing myself to be with them. Eventually I feel panicked that im going to end up trapped with someone I don’t want to be with - like how I felt with men - and I push the person away until they break up with me.

I sometimes keep dating the person because I’ll really want to spend time with them and feel quite attached and want to be close with them, but there’s rarely a feeling of desire or that “falling in love” feelings friends talk about having. I can imagine what that feels like because one time I went on four dates with someone who I felt very close with, safe and warm and also felt kind of like I could breathe easier thinking about her. But she broke it off after 4 dates because I was moving and there was no real future there. Outside of that one circumstance, I’ve never felt “normal” feelings towards someone I’ve dated.

Has anyone had this experience of avoidance and moved into a place where they’re in a happy partnership? More than anything I really want a secure family.