Okay so, first let me start by saying that I know i shouldn't do it and all that. It's not an emergency right now, and I'm okay in this moment. But just know that this post will discuss suicide very honestly, so if that triggers you, please don't engage with this post or read it.

So I've been fighting for SSI for 12 years, and I am now emotionally exhausted. This is the third time I have applied, and I have gone though a hearing this time as well. The judge denied me, but the letter didn't list a specific reason. I honestly think he assumed I sell my food stamps, and denied me as punishment (I do not sell my food stamps, BTW, and I never have.)

I have no income, no health insurance, and now my roommates are losing patience, too, because I can't help pay for anything. I do what I can to help in other ways, and always have, but it's no longer enough. (I have not lived with them the full 12 years). So now one of them rarely says anything to me, and when she does, it's laced with hatred and anger. So I'm bottoming out. Again. I cry myself to sleep more and more frequently, and I'm just so, so done.

Honestly, nothing would make me happier than to just go to sleep and never wake up. I wish I could pursue human euthenasia, because there is literally no point in my existence. (I do not live in a state where human euthenasia is legal.) All I'm doing at this point is taking up space and failing. And yes, I know there are other painless ways to off myself.

So, this is going to sound really stupid, but maybe this would help my case? Should I tell my lawyer? I guess I feel like... if I have to feel this bad, maybe I should put it to good use?

I don't know. Someone help.