Wrote this F*R*I*E*N*D*S episode title style because it made me laugh

THE ONE WITH THE PITCH

• I have a fetish. You have a vagina, clitoris, and enjoy orgasms....that's it. I'm looking for a non-Fuck buddy. A friend with one directional benefits.
• Consent is King: Everything physical and sexual starts as a "no" until you SAY otherwise. With words. That means no hugging when we meet, kissing above the waist, I can stay clothed, etc at first. Hearing "I want you to..." followed by something physical or sexual from a woman is part of the kink for me. Maybe it's the repressive religious upbringing, but I enjoy being given permission. Even if it's just "hold my hand" or "put your arm around me" or "bite my nipples".
• Being comfortable makes it easier to have fun: If you have any insecurities about your boobs, stomach, feet, whatever...keep it covered if you like. We've all got body issues but so long as the panties are off, wear what you'd like. Even if it's a giant foam sombrero you weirdo.

THE ONE WHERE I EXPLAIN THE WHY

• "This is sad/pathetic/desperate" Maybe... but I'm currently single and I'm looking for a safe outlet for this specific part of my sexuality. I've been bullied about this in the past by DJ Khaled type guys and I'm done caring what people think. I like what I like.
• I have the normal amount of background 2022 anxieties, insecurities, and depressions and in my last relationship I found that knowing I was going to make a beautiful woman cum repeatedly later in the day or the next day had a profound positive influence on my mood. Basically I want to trade giving multiple orgasms for a small anti-depressant effect and self esteem boost. Does that seem like a fair trade? That's the only sexual gratification I'm looking for currently. A memory and the knowledge I made someone else's day in a very real way when they needed it. I'm an empathy slut I guess.
• That doesn't fit a dating app profile and Fetlife is a mess of a website (it's like trying to use StumbleUpon as a search engine), so I'm here.

THE ONE WHERE I EXPLAIN MY DEALBREAKERS

• Refusing to take or share a recent STI test upon meeting IRL- I'm HPV free/vaccinated so not worried there but I've got decent smelling breath and the normal color and number of teeth I'd like to keep.
• Certain larger breeds of dogs (if you'd like to host)- Growing up I saw a 9 year old neighbor get mauled and need over 300 stiches on his legs. I get along with dogs and I'm sure you are a great owner but there is a level of childhood trauma that therapy has not made go away and I'm uncomfortable being indoors with some larger dog breeds.

THE PLACE I COULD HOST

• Normal, well adjusted adult amount of relatively new/nice furniture for lying down/sitting on my face.
• Central Denver- Safe neighborhood and has access to either a secured underground parking garage or public transit hub nearby. Park, Ride, and Uber are all convenient here.
• Full city skyline view from a private window, so if cumming while looking down at a city like Homelander is an interest, I can help make that happen.
• Clean, organized (mostly), and usually smells like one of: apple cinnamon, vanilla, or a baked good wall plug-in.
• No roommates or pets- Allergy friendly and no need to sneak out to avoid a walk of shame.
• Wide variety of free snacks and beverages available, staying hydrated is important!!

THE ONE ABOUT THE GUY DOING THE STUFF TO YOU:

• Moderately to actually attractive in the face, has a jawline, somewhere between muscular fit and dad bod. (have to take photos that don't reveal my identity but will post pics to my profile/subreddit this week)
• Short/medium well groomed beard. I shave clean occasionally so if you have a fantasy where get eaten out by a guy with a civil war general beard or Fu Manchu... I gotchu. After we have fun, I'll finish shaving and return to looking like a relatively sane adult.
• Nails trimmed short and filed smooth if you also want fingering to be part of the experience (I used to be a nail-biter so I keep them short now).

THE WOMEN I'D LIKE TO EAT LIKE THE COOKIE MONSTER I AM

• The appeal for me is that I'm making a pretty lady fly to the moon with delight. Not looking for a model, but less like Susan Boyle and more like Susana Spears. (honestly those were the only similar sounding first names with a big gap in physical appearance I could think of for the joke while writing this....and one is actually a model, so C- for me there.)
• All ethnicities, different is fun. I'm white if that matters to you.
• I'm in my 30s, so be late 20s to mid 40s- anything outside that is creepy for at least one if not both of us.
• Preppie, Country, Punk, Hippie rock whatever style you want...just have good hygiene.
• Can be single or poly/ENM, have kids or none- outside of a meeting in a nearby coffeeshop or park/public place to meet first and make sure I'm not giving delight to a supervillain or sociopath, I don't need to know anything about your personal or work life you don't feel like sharing. This isn't "Question Time With The Prime Minister".

THE ONE ABOUT THE OPTIONAL AMENITIES AND EXPERIENCES

• Large collection movies and TV shows as well as a few streaming services so if imagining a specific scene or being with a certain celebrity is a fantasy for you, I have a couple unused/new sleep masks and that sounds like fun!!
• Rarely drink alcohol but I used to be a craft cocktail bartender so if you have ingredients, I have recipes and the skills to make even complicated drinks.
• Lease limits me to vapes and edibles but we can also get high and I'll get the munchies for you.

TL;DR- me want to om nom nom until lady goes rocket ship to moon and starry happy eyes emoji.