Please, NO DUDES, NO HOOKERS, and NO ONE UNDERAGE. NOT interested.

Hey, hey so I work a boring day job, and do comedy on the side. In my time here, I’ve had some success coming to reddit to find friends with benefits. But like most people, I hope to get married one day. I now know that no long term relationship with me will work out in the end unless the girl matches me both mentally and sexually.

Which means she has to:

A. Be kind, smart and either funny or have a great sense of humor (personality wise being funny or having a really great sense of humor is the sexist thing a girl can have in my opinion)

B. Pretty much be a total slut and constantly crave being fucked like a whore (and I mean that as a compliment)

While I can use dating apps to find someone who might have those “A” qualities I listed, finding one who also is my sexual equal is infinitely harder (obviously). Either I magically get really rich and famous and get invited to one of those Stanley Kubrick Eyes Wide Shut sex parties, or I get really, really lucky that one girl I date is a sexual freak like me lol.

So I figured writing up a long ass thing on reddit might get me a fuck buddy and just maybe, the kind of girl I could make it work dating wise too. Why? Well it already worked for me once!

So to be sexually specific, I’m looking for the kind of girl -

1. Who on the rare night she doesn’t have a partner or fwb around to come over and fuck her, will spend hours playing with and getting herself off on her own because she can’t help herself.

2. Who no matter how professional she looks at work, or how well behaved she is around her family, doesn’t go more than a minute at a time, without thinking how much she’d rather be at home with a cock in her pussy, a cock in her mouth, or a tongue in between her legs.

3. That almost never gets worn out. No matter how many times she cums or how long she fucks, she always wants more. She always craves more. It’s never, ever, enough. And unless she absolutely needs sleep, has to go to work, or has to eat, she will stay in bed fucking.

4. That would get off on watching me fuck another woman and want to join in.

5. That would get off on fucking another man while I watch and want me to join in.

6. That would want and get off on each of us fucking other people solo for pure pleasure/lust and want us to brag and share every detail between the two of us.

7. That is polite, well-mannered, and well-dressed in public, but no one except her best girl friends (or even no one at all) has any idea how insanely strong her sexual appetite is.

8. Turned on and proud if I ever called her a slut or a whore, because she knows I 100% mean it as a compliment and term of endearment.

9. Who if they were asked “Whats the happiest you ever remember feeling?” the honest answer would be a time a man shot a particularly large load of cum deep inside her pussy.

10. Who has never ever seen a video posted on r/iwanttobeher that didn’t make her instantly jealous.

So if the right kind of girl sees this, you might be interested to know that-

1. I have an average to slightly above average sized cock length wise, and above average girth wise

2. I have never had a single girl wear me out, and I literally won’t stop fucking til’ you have personally had enough. I am literally insatiable.

3. I can ejaculate 10 times in a 24 hour period if we have all day sex

4. If you’re waxed or shaved (or very neatly trimmed) I fucking LOVE eating pussy. I really really really get off on getting girls off, so even if I’m too tired or just not horny (almost never) I will literally let you ride my face for ages as long as you want more.

5. I can literally last forever and pretty much cum on cue during sex. Literally can go p in v for an hour without breaks, without cumming if you want that.

6. When I do cum, if I can tell you want more, I’m usually ready to go again in 15 minutes or less.

7. I’m really fucking good with my fingers, and I truly love sucking on tits for long periods of times if that gets you off too

8. On the negative side I guess, I’m not really into ass play. I don’t eat it, and am not crazy about anal because i think pussy is just 100x better.

9. I like making love, but I LOVE rough sex if you enjoy it too. No bleeding, whipping or crazy bondage stuff, but I like to give it hard and get it hard right back.

10. I’d rank the following qualities of a partner from most to least important 1. Being kind honest and not a jerk 2. How high her sex drive is 3. How good she is in bed 4. Everything else lol

*If it wasn’t clear, I’m super into mutual free use

So if you made it all through that and you’re still interested, just wanna point out long term I don’t see myself spending the rest of my life anywhere besides NYC or LA or nearby. I also love to travel, eat unique food, and cook!

If you enjoy what you’ve read, feel free to message me on here. If it was a massive waste of time and I’m a total perv feel free to let me know that as well!

I’m now off to bed while I ponder the meaning of existence after spending an hour writing this thing up. …………………..

If still interested for some reason, please note -

REGARDING HEALTH -

For any partner of mine, good hygiene is a MUST. Please be a relatively clean person and well groomed. You don’t need to get a brazillian but please, at least be neatly trimmed down there. If you knowingly have an STD or STD symptoms, please don’t be a jerk and lie or try to hide it. Sorry but condoms are a MUST for me. As much as I LOVE giving creampies, if you wanna fuck me bareback, we either have to be exclusive, or semi-exclusive AND aware of every one of each others sex partners.

WHO I’M INTO-

I’m interested in all girls and all body types. Skinny to BBW. My type is “horny with a pulse” lol.

But for real, weight isn’t really a factor for me. The only things I care about when it comes to possibly fucking are 1. Does she have a cute face? 2. Does she have good hygiene and clean up well? 3. Is she a really horny girl with a high sex drive? 4. Does she have a fun/chill personality? Thats it.

My physical turn offs: (1) Poor hygiene (2) Piercings other than the ear, navel and side of nose (3) Gauges (4) Excessive tattoos covering the whole body (5) Un-natural hair colors unless its only highlights

WHAT I LOOK LIKE -

I’m 6ft tall, 230 lbs, caucasian, short black/dark brown hair, shaved neck, very short and trimmed goatee, dark brown eyes and average build. I walk a ton and am on my feet a lot, but I do like to eat, drink and cook.

To be completely transparent, I’d say I’m a 7/10. If I worked out more I could be an 8/10 and I’m getting there (hopefully by 2023 at my current pace). I’m not ugly or unattractive, but I’m not ripped, no abs, and I’m slightly overweight (i.e. if I’m laying down, or standing up, I don’t have any rolls, or belly hang). My fat friends say I’m just a bit chubby, my skinniest friends say I’m fat, my (mostly Greek and Italian) family members say I look normal and my Dr. says I’m overweight, but not obese. So use that info as you’d like.

TRADING PICS -

I get a good number of messages on here and to save each other time, we should probably trade pics to start or early in the convo.

All I need to see from you is a clear face pic and one fully clothed body pic. If you don’t send a clear face pic (like your face is 20 feet away, or the pic is clearly photoshopped or snapchat filered), I won’t reply. The body pic doesn’t have to be revealing or skin tight, I just want a general idea.