I'm guy in my early thirties who has (successfully) posted personals ads in the past. I've been successful posting on here and on dating apps, have heard horror stories from women I've spoken to, and see guys constantly posting about how hard it is to meet someone in this way. Frankly it's disheartening. If you feel that way I hope you will read this and get something out of it.

This post is structured as follows:

• The point- Why I am posting this
• Lessons- Things you should keep in mind when replying to subs, or like, anyone really
• Bait- What I posted and an overview of what I found striking with respect to the responses I saw
• Select responses- Things that struck me as wrong and/or horrortaining

The point

Reading through this subreddit it's clear that there is a problem with "doms" who don't understand the meaning of the term but I also get the feeling that there are a lot of people, many younger (but many not) who just don't understand how they come across. I'm writing this post so that hopefully they will see what subs and women in general often see and they can be more sensitive to that experience / approach others in a way that won't scare potential subs away from kink altogether. I was also curious whether messages subs and women in general receive were as bad as I thought. Spoiler alert: they're way worse.

Lessons

(what I was struck based on the gap between how I conduct myself and how the people who sent me messages conducted themselves. I would love to add other ideas from people with different perspectives or thoughts and will check in on comments）

• Be a fucking decent human being. Many people got this right but an upsetting number of people responding did not
• Read what they wrote and answer any questions. If you don't want to answer a question it's better to acknowledge it and say "I can send a picture later“ instead of ignoring it
• Don't act desperate, if they want to reply they will. If you've sent two messages that should have prompted a reply and you don't see one, just chill
• Ask what their limits are before trying to act dommy; if you do otherwise you aren't an aspiring dom, you are abusive
  • Remember that you are not responding to your sub, you are responding to someone who has expressed interest in finding someone to submit to
  • Opening with humiliation and degradation is a bad look
• Don't get angry and defensive when told "no"
• Consider opening with a *vanilla* conversation and developing a level of comfort BEFORE talking about anything kink related. Kinky people are not all sex addicts and even many people who are aren't literally just looking to fuck anyone.

The bait (https://imgur.com/WPZnezb)

Stats (will be updated as I go through messages)

Basic idea: Inexperienced aspiring sub likes kink videos, wants to get into it

Duration: posts were up for less than three hours, I put the first up at 1pm and am writing this sentence at 3:47pm

Replies received: well over 100, will update with more accurate count later

Replies that actually answered the items requested in the post: one, maybe two?

Replies from married guys who clearly didn't read the post- at least two (that is, guys who confirmed their wives would not know)

Replies that were intended to warn the inexperienced sub that their post would attract abusers: one

Replies from women: zero that I have seen at this point

Select responses (https://imgur.com/a/iHtcqd2)

I do want to apologize to those of you who responded in good faith and were normal or acted acceptably. I actually took the posts down far earlier than I imagined because I'd received enough bad examples to at least get this post up and wanted to avoid misleading people who didn't deserve it.