I am hoping to follow up on this post with a success story so that I can spread hope to all of the men on Reddit. If I can get laid, then so can you [insert motivational soundbite or other bullshit here]. Now, with that said . . .

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ME:

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1. Hideously ugly looking male.

2. Obese enough that I have orbiting objects that cannot escape my gravitational pull.

3. Mean and nasty to children and small animals.

4. Poor and penniless and on the verge of bankruptcy.

5. Smelly and lacking in any type of hygiene.

6. Short in stature and in temper.

7. Suffering from multiple sexually-transmitted diseases (although, not sure how I got all of them, since nobody (male or female or animal) even takes a second look in my direction).

8. Small cock (but, they don't call me two (2) inches of THUNDER for nothing (emphasis on THUNDER)).

9. Can guarantee you that it will be the BEST 30 SECONDS OF YOUR LIFE (at least it will be the best 30 seconds of MY life, irrespective of whether or not you get off).

10. Married with multiple children (both legitimate and illegitimate from multiple women) and unable to pay child support or alimony.

11. Criminal record (both felony and misdemeanor).

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YOU:

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1. Stunningly-beautiful, so much so that you turn heads of both men and women when you walk down the street.

2. Slender, but with enormous boobs and sensitive nipples.

3. Kind, patient, obedient, submissive.

4. Filthy rich (not the kind that lights their cigars with $100 bills; but the kind that lights their cigars with WADS of $100 bills).

5. Clean and well-maintained in terms of hygiene.

6. No gag reflexes and enjoys swallowing cock (no spitters, puh-lease).

7. No sexually-transmitted diseases (although you should not be averse to contracting them from me).

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DISCLAIMER:

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I know that my demands may be unreasonably high. So, I am willing to give you a chance even if you do not meet all seven (7) of my requirements. But, having such high standards, I shall require that you meet AT LEAST ONE (1) of my requirements (plus-or-minus one (1)).

Thank you for reading to the end.

Have a nice day!