This post is for the women who have to use duct tape and dark sorcery to keep their sordid sexual histories hidden in their closet from exploding out like an over packed cartoon suit case.

If you’ve ever thought “I’ll never be taken seriously by a guy because after I banged the entire AAAA football team in high school - (one at a time or all at once no judgement). Or, “the second I tell them I used to do porn, cam-girl, escorted he’s gone!”… whatever.

You fine ladies are my favorite people - ya’ll know how to handle cock better than any other women alive.

I have been a sordid and filthy fucker most of my adult life (DDF!) and like any good ADHD fueled nerd, I inhaled knowledge on every subject including sex. My Kung Fu masters were battle hardened 90’s lesbians who Mr Miyagi’d my dumb ass into a vagina slurping Master.. Wax on, Wax off!

My first girlfriend was a dominatrix who subbed to me, after the first fisting session.

The best most glorious bar setting adventurous struck by lightning relationships I’ve ever had started with epic sex, and often one night stands that evolved into something else.

I’m looking for lighting. I don’t want it in a bottle, I want it collared up, and responding to safe-words.

I’m a successful, fun, jovial, larger than life type character loved by just about every person who’s ever met me.

I’m white, 5’10, bearded, broad shouldered, and reasonably well equipped.. I’m chubby - but think Scotsman kilt caber toss chubby, not ass permanently welded to the couch chubby. I am balls deep into the weight loss journey but I’ll always be a broad chested stout hunk of man-meat.

I’m outdoorsy, into DIY projects like fixing up my house, love tabletop games, technology, and adventures of every sort. I’ve lived all over the world, love to travel, etc. I’m fun as fuck.

I’m into all things nerd; DragonCon, Renaissance Fairs, Antique shops, Craft & gem festivals, live music, outdoor events, foodie everything (I’m an epic cook too), Defcon, hacking, gardening. Swimming, scuba diving, skinny dipping… if the sun is shining I’m smiling.

I don’t have casual acquaintances and fair weather friends… I only have ride or die, it’s 3am we should probably hide-that-body type friends. Bail you out of jail friends. Friends who would pick your ass up at the airport on a 2am arrival flight on a fucking Tuesday.

I want a woman in my life who is at least as sexually confident as I am, with at least as sordid a history as mine. I’m all for butterflies, but if we do this right, I’m pretty sure we’re gonna drown those little guys.

• Thanks for reading my monolithic wall of text. Send a photo with your DM, and I’ll send you mine.