Sexuality is a very strange thing. I consider myself to be a straight man. I’ve only ever been with women, both romantically and sexually. I’m married to a woman currently, as a matter of fact. I’m not really attracted to guys. Not physically, anyway.

But I’ve always known that there was something a little different about me. I’ve never been attracted to another man, but I do tend to be…I guess you could say, instinctively deferential around certain men. Confident men, assertive men. Authoritative men. Men who are, in a word, dominant.

Just to be clear, it’s not that I’m a timid, stuttering little weakling. In my everyday life, I can be confident. I can be assertive, even authoritative. I think that there are some people who might even use one or two of those words to describe me, if asked. But the reality is that I’ve only gotten very good at faking those things.

I’m not a dominant person by nature. I never have been. It’s easy to forget that fact sometimes, and to take the façade I’ve built as truth. But it’s incredibly easy for me to get shaken and to lose my footing, so to speak, when I cross paths with a man who’s actually dominant. As subtle as it might be, it’s like there’s some unconscious instinct inside of me kicking in.

I think it’s a big part of the reason why I’ve never been friends with a man like that: that implicit, uncomfortable feeling of inferiority. Growing up, I was always quick to mock ‘macho’ guys. Guys who would style themselves as ‘alphas.’ Even today, I still find myself scoffing at that sort of mentality. But I do recognize that as a response to my own insecurity. It's some kind of psychological defense or compensation or something.

Because, if I’m being totally honest about it? There’s something exciting about admitting to myself that I am, in a certain way, inferior. That there are some men that I can’t and shouldn’t compete with. That it exhilarates me to think about my wife being claimed by a man like that—a more dominant man. A more deserving man. That the thought of being on my knees in front of a man like that makes me feel things that I'm incredibly ashamed to feel.

Looking to have a conversation with someone about this. In particular, I'm very interested in humiliation, emasculation, dom/sub dynamics.

Reddit chat and PMs are both acceptable. Looking forward to hearing from you.