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I'll be honest. I'm not entirely sure where I'm going with this. All I know is, I need an outlet where I can be the beta me. I long for a relationship with a woman, just, where I get a glimpse of what life is like for her sexually. Something which is a complete mystery for me. And I know I want to feel how much less than you I am.
The same goes for an alpha. I'm just, looking for an in to a part of a normal mans life, that is alien and scary to me.
Women have always freaked me out. I find them deeply scary, and so magnificent. I am in awe of them really. When I'm face to face with a woman I find attractive, I feel like they can see right through me.
I still remember what it was like growing up. Seeing all my friends, and guys who were most definitelly no my friends, having secual interractions with girls I wanted so badly. But, whom I could never interract with on anything more than a friend level at best.
I'm just, looking for an honest friendship, honest conversations, and letting myself go a bit. Finding and expressing that inner part of me that feels so weak, jealous, like a cuckold in the most basic sense I suppose. That boy who spent his nights masturbating to pictures of his crush, after seeing her make out with another guy at a party, and then leaving with him.
Maybe nothing of what I'm saying is remotely interesting or even coherent. But, still, hoping to hear from you.
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- 9 months ago
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