Hey everyone, I'm 34 years old, from the Branson, MO area. I'm looking for my future soulmate. You'll have to relocate to me if you're not already in the area. I'm 6'0" with a BMI of 37. Yes, I'm fat, so if that's a problem for you, please move on. I don't care how you look, so please return that. If I slim down, it will be for my own health, not for a woman's approval.

According to 5lovelanguages.com, my love languages are (1) Quality Time: 33% (2) Words of Affirmation: 30% (3) Physical Touch: 23% (4) Acts of Service: 13% (5) Receiving Gifts: 0%.

When I say "quality time," I mean I am clingy to a near paranoid degree. I want the two of us to be absolutely obsessed with each other. I want us to spend the majority of the day, every day, together, whether that be cuddling, playing video games together, watching movies together, cooking a banquet together, going for a jog together, or even cleaning up together. When we're not living together full-time, I want us to be constantly texting each other around the clock.

That's not to say you aren't allowed to go out with your friends. But you can rest assured that I will be miserable without you. When you return from your shopping trip, I'll probably pin you to the wall and smother you with kisses from top to bottom like you had just returned after being lost for 3 weeks and I thought you were dead!

I'm a sadist so I love inflicting pain. Hard impact play is one of my biggest kinks. I love using my slave as a punching, and when I say "punching bag," I mean closed fist, and even my knees and feet, buried deep into your gut, pussy, and breasts. That will, obviously, have to be only once in a while, due to how dangerous that can be, and I'll need a sub who isn't afraid to use the safe word liberally to make sure I don't go too far, but I definitely want that at least once in a while. Think about how many vanilla men fantasize about having threesomes, but are content with only doing it once in a blue moon, and you'll get the idea.

Using my slave as a punching bag (even if it's only sparingly) is very important to me, so you either need to be a HUGE masochist, or you must be willing to let me own more slaves than just you, otherwise we aren't compatible. That's not to say I want polyamory. I absolutely can do monogamy, as long as you're perfect for me and can satisfy all of my needs (both in and out of the bedroom) all by yourself.

And I can't stress this enough: Please don't be afraid to use the safeword. My kinks are going to be extremely dangerous. I'd much rather have a wife who spams the safe word with no shame, and who stays healthy, than a wife who is afraid to tell her owner "no" and ends up in ICU every month.

After I've beaten the shit out of you (or after you say the safe word, whichever comes first), I'll quickly pat your bruises down with ice packs to keep the swelling and inflammation down, and then we'll lay in bed together, butt naked, cuddling, kissing, staring longingly into each other's eyes, and telling each other how wonderful it is for us to belong to each other.

I ideally want 24/7 TPE. That will take a while, but I definitely want to eventually build up to that.

I want us to be able to play video games together. So if you aren't already a gamer, please at least be willing to give video games the "green eggs & ham" treatment.

Now on to the deal-breakers:

No STDs.

No gold-diggers. I might buy you the occasional necklace (or maybe a stuffie if you're a little) for anniversary or for your birthday, but that's it. Maximum value of your present is going to be $30, plus S&H.

No brats. I don't mind smartasses and flirty teasing, but if you're the kind of girl who will ms-paw me whenever i tell you do something, or who goes out of you way to annoy me, then we aren't compatible.

If you think you're what I'm looking for, hit me up!