I’ll be up all night. If you are an adult human woman that possesses cat-like curiosity and your ideal date involves receiving miles of dick on the first night, please read on and let this personal potentially ‘kill’ you:

(My words. Not me. I’m not a killer of anything but moods. A lover. It’s a tasteless joke, not too different from a small penis. It’s okay to laugh at them even though some might taste horrible.) Annnywayyy…

I’m single. I have no children. Currently not talking to or hanging out with any bitch other than my black Labrador retriever. (I’m a gentleman actually, I just chose to be derogatory in my last sentence to piss of some select few that shouldn’t be reading this anyway.)

I haven’t been laid since new years 2019. It was sloppy and boring because I drank way too much, consumed a half-gram of Molly and my penis was taken off life support a little after midnight. Bless my date’s heart though because she really tried. My dick didn’t leave the inside of her mouth for at least a half of an hour and it still came out looking sad, soggy and defeated. Like a stillborn rodent.

SO - I have so much sexual frustration to take out on someone (that I’m hopefully very attracted to) that it’s unlawful for me to wear sweat pants at the grocery store because I will straight up get a raging boner when hot women talk to me in the produce isle.

Moving on, nothing is sexier to me than a big brain full of passion and clumsiness, but enjoying eating pussy like a retard on bath salts and making women squirm more than actually fucking them is an honorable mention. I will go down on you for so long that I might need a towel-boy to wipe the oceans of pussy juice dripping off of my face. All for you, boo, so I don’t skip a beat. Keep on cumming…

Making them really wet so my dick can slide on up into its new home more safely and pleasurably is also very enjoyable to me. I gotta make you cum first; attempting to force a throbbing tube-steak into a vagina as dry as the Sahara isn’t fun for anyone. More about me…

I own my own house. I make my own ways. Fix my own shit. Play my own games. I’m loved by many but hated by more than a few buttt… fuccckem! I’m usually sober but don’t judge addicts with their shit together - at all. I’ve traveled down that road, and it’s not for me, but I will indulge (quite heavily) in a week-long psychedelic and stimulant-fueled bender about once a year and end up in different states.

Why am I here? To listen to myself talk? Seems likely, but NO! I’m looking to let my freak flag fly with someone who I think is hot as fuck. Physical attraction unfortunately has rules that we are all bound by, but a sense of humor and a little compassion makes me harder than gazing upon a pair of fat titties and fat booties plopping out of skinny booty shorts.

I’m really good at love making which unfortunately makes women I don’t want fall for me, but that’s okay because I just really love sex and love finding a signature rhythm with someone that I’m really into while I’m really inside them. Even fucking a dead-fish (aka a partner who puts minimal effort into sex) can be enjoyable to me. If it’s not good, I promise to make it good as long as it’s not past midnight on new years.

Secks with someone who also tries though, is like an elegant and synchronous dance (ignoring the fact that I’m stirring up some split-bean soup inside this persons guts into with my shlong-ladle). I’m honest and up front about my intentions so that’s what you get. I’ll never lead you on. It’s a waste of both of our times and I know you have people waiting in line to fuck too. Let’s get to goin’ …

I’ll never really hint of sex on a date. It ruins the anticipation for me and that’s very exciting stuff. The unknown. It keeps our Witt’s sharp and in those moments we act like we actually care about the other person. Makes me feel like a kid again, learning about both of someone’s light and dark sides.

I don’t really have a type. Physical or mental traits. If you do, I’m 6’3, slim, fit (shredded like cheddar mang) and take care of myself and wellness, but as long as you have a cute face and I’m still able to pick you up and put you against the wall, you’re cute and sweet, my lust for you knows no boundaries.

I want to find “the one” - but still wondering how many women will I have to flirt with and (hopefully) fuck the living brains out of before I finally find her? I haven’t banged in almost 3 years. I took a personal vow of celibacy because I realized I was not the caliber of man that I need to be to fulfill the type of relationship I idealized. So here I am, reaching out on the world-pipe because every vagina within a 100 mile radius has already been stretched out to hang by all my homies…

Okay - if I had a gun to my head and was forced to describe my ideal woman, she would be independent but lovingly clingy, about 40 years old (kids aren’t an issue), tan, athletic body, hippie cow-girl or boujie city gangsta-chick with a good smile and able to participate in marathon fuck-sessions with me while we lay in bed all day, smoke ganja, eat food and talk shit about our relatives. Travel anywhere in the world with me too. Lettts gooo

An independent woman with her own hobbies who can go out on her own and doesn’t need to talk to me every five fucking minutes, or hell a week or two even, because she chooses to trust me, and knows we’re rock solid and will communicate like a boss and tell me the truth about everything even though the truth can sting sometimes. A woman who gets so tangled up in lust with me, not even Paul Mitchel can straighten these two out. And we make it last, because it’s not 50/50, it’s mother fucking 110/110.

We stay tangled in lust together and fuck all over everyone else’s house but ours until we eventually find ourselves in love so inescapable that we decide build our very own house together that has never been fucked in, by ANYONE but us. 💕 How cool would that feel?

Then we can let our cool couple friends stay over and fuck in our spare bedrooms and on our couches because we foster magic in everyone we know and we want them to be happy too. Happy enough to buy their own house to fuck in one day.

Sounds good to you too? Let’s talk and teach each other things.

That’s my dream.

Here’s a self-inflicted photo of me, not so attractive at the time, I am fairly drunk writing this (with a huuuge zit on my front-head). So if you think I’m kinda cute, I will only get cuter. Strategy.

https://imgur.com/gallery/W8pjnCn

Edit: I almost put M4M @ the top, LOL. I’d have found out sooner or later, or some gay fellow would waltz in smooth enough to convert me into a few games of cornhole or beanbag toss.