I was talking to my best girl friend the other day and I can’t remember what we were talking about but basically out of nowhere she just out and out asks me if I’m a virgin. The answer is yes, but I’ve never had to overtly admit that to a girl before, especially not to a close friend like that who I know for a fact is not a virgin. I was deer in the headlights when she asked it. Since then I can’t stop worrying about the fact that she knows that about me now, and I guess I’m here posting because, well I don’t even know why. But I’m looking for somebody to talk to.

So for context, I’m a guy, academically inclined and fairly nerdy. I go to a good school and am pretty accomplished in a lot of areas to this point in my life. I take pride in that sense of achievement and the respect I get from it. I’m also friendly, really shy, introverted, somewhat passive with girls, sometimes a bit overly intense about my interests and passions and hobbies, and can be awkward. I can be opinionated but also fairly knowledgeable and I like when people look up to my views on things. I’m actually decently athletic too and decent looking, like not hot necessarily but at least average looking even though I look younger than my age. I often feel like I’m earnest about my interests in ways most people my age aren’t, but that could just be the fact I’m overcompensating for shortcomings in my people skills or maybe the fact I have slight ASD. Why am I a virgin? Well, Catholic school, then just generally feeling shy, nervous, intimidated around girls, somewhat insecure, just haven’t come close to a steady girlfriend or sex.

Anyway, it was a reminder, like, when I talk to former teachers or whomever and they are always impressed, or like, when I think about my academics or jobs or just general impressive qualities it just feels like not having figured out “girls” yet totally undermines all that. I feel like everyone else has and I don’t know what I’m missing. I’m embarrassed that I’m still a virgin. It just seems inconsistent with the other areas where I feel like I’ve conquered my insecurities. I see guys I used to be rivals with that have been with tons of girls and have no problems and it just feels like the teasing when you’re a kid comes to fruition when they succeed more than I do. When it feels like they can find girlfriends with ease and I don’t even have prospects and what that says about me compared to them. Or like the subtle jokes about virginity and being “alone with your hand”, etc. And honestly I haven’t really been that close. I haven’t even seen a girl naked in person. And I feel like all those people would judge me a lot if they knew that. I pretty much keep it a secret, but now my friend knows. I hope she’s the only one and I hope she respects my request that she not tell anybody but I worry about her friends finding out too.

The more I think about it, the fact that she now knows this about me makes me feel really exposed and frustrated. For one thing, how tf did she know that? For another, it’s super annoying. I’ve been kind of rivals with her for a long time. Like, we argue about a lot of things. She listens to me a lot because I’m slightly older and have a bit more life experience and more often than not it’s me explaining things to her. We argue about politics – I’m conservative and she’s very liberal – and idk it just makes me feel like now things are different, like she always has something to judge me over now like my arguments must be more immature or something because she has all this extra life experience that she knows I haven’t figured out how to not be clueless about yet. I always felt like the leader between us but it makes me so question that now. Oh, and it makes me super jealous of guys with girlfriends and of her boyfriend.

Anyway, I am still a virgin and have way less experience with girls than I’d like to. I know I’m a bit clingy with girls, kind of indecisive, and haven’t had a ton of interest from them. I could probably improve in this way or that way, but I guess I’m not really here to ask for life advice. I’ve had a few missed opportunities – like, a platonic high school girlfriend and another girl I actually went on a date with and got a hug from – but I tend to be really nervous and shy and apprehensive around girls in more group settings. I force myself to get out a fair amount in settings like that but I’m still not great talking to them.

Anyway, some questions:

- Can you tell if a guy is a virgin? If so, how often and what kinds of things tell you he is one?

- What do you think if you find out a guy is a virgin? Does it affect how you think of him at all?

- Do you think the virgin stereotypes of guys are accurate?

- Would you date a guy who is a virgin? Would you have sex with him?

- If you had sex with a guy who was a virgin, what would you expect?

- Have you taken a guy’s virginity? Or been friends with an older virgin?

I guess, even if I could get into a relationship with a girl, I’m completely petrified about my first time. I’m honestly terrified of having no idea what I’m doing, of not knowing how to kiss, of her judging me, of not knowing what to do sexually, of not being able to handle her and not lasting very long and cumming too quickly, of not being able to give her an orgasm, of not being big enough, etc. I’m petrified of the idea that I wouldn’t be as good as other guys she’s been with, that I wouldn’t be as good as her ex, etc.

I guess I’m curious if you have ever taken a guy’s virginity, what it was like, what your expectations of sex with a virgin guy would be, etc. I’m curious about the rest of your relationships too I guess.

I’m open to talking to guys about this too by the way. I get really jealous of other guys. I know there are things I can improve on, better outlooks I can have about it, but it’s tedious to just hear platitudes about how “there’s someone out there for everyone”, etc. etc. Like, I guess I’m not really looking for that kind of coaching per se unless it’s something new or that I wouldn’t have heard before. But I am interested in talking. I’m curious your perspectives, experiences, etc. Like, I guess I’m just looking for honesty and trying to understand what girls think and say behind our backs, if you know, if you can tell, what your experiences with virgin guys are, etc., or if anybody is interested in talking to one. Or anything else really.

Let me know.