Not a role-play so much as a conversation

I'm pretty much normal white, conservative, slightly incel-y nerd, not all that well endowed but generally fairly average and scrawny, full of insecurity, rage, and emotion, and hormones that maybe you can soothe and maybe you can stoke however you want.

The main thing I'm looking for here is to get into some of the taboo psychological development stuff I might otherwise save for a therapist, in this case with a little bit of insecurity stoking mixed in. I wanna talk about the dark doubts.

Some food for what I'm talking about. When I was growing up my narcissistic mom complained all the time about not enjoying sex with my dad and instilled in me all these insecurities and insinuations that I was like my dad. She hated men generally and she both set high standards for me to drive me to succeed but also made them unreasonable so I would inevitably fail. She would constantly chide me and compare me to my male classmates. I was a late bloomer so I got teased and bullied anyway at school and was struggling with girls, but my mom stoked that too.

A lot of it was probably early judgements about me and the genes that comprised me. She even joked with my now ex-girlfriend aboug sex not being that great for the woman. Everything was sort of framed as this boys versus girls thing with this constant undertone of snickering about my inevitable shortcomings.

Not sure she ever cheated on my dad but it was clear she wasn't sexually impressed with him and clearly translated some of that on to me. She had a drawer full of vibrators. A lot I wonder about...

And then there were the comments and mental snapshots from ages I probably only remember because I have a super good memory but things like wondering what takeaways they were getting from me vs. peers in joint bathtime and such and how early any of those judgements manifest and what was obvious when. Your parents know and think things about you they probably never tell. But idk.

Also, what about the impacts of early relationships that get so open and vulnerable that when you're breaking up and fighting there's a lot the other person can use on you. She knows all your vulnerabilities, and now it drives me crazy that feeling of them talking to their friends about my failings. Whatever was the truth? Even when we were dating I had cuckold thoughts often, though those feelings with girls go way back.

Anyway, I'm imagining both my mom and ex gf and her and her friends laughing at me, worrying I disappointed her, thinking about being inadequate for all women, about my mom and about my girlfriend and about the women whose expectations of whom I've fallen short.

There's also a side to me that's in the closet and submissive, which is also messed up because I'm super competitive otherwise with guys but love the idea of losing to a guy I hate.