Seriously; I don't know what it is with people around these parts. Not that I'm judging anyone's lifestyle - hey, if you want to strip down and stuff yourself full of the finest silicone the internet has to offer, I'm all for it, and even cheerily supportive, so long as you pay the rent on time and try not to do it when guests or over! Hosting lasciviously unhinged orgies? Really, I'm not making a moral judgment so much as just trying to save us both some money when they eventually have to bring the cleaners in, and we're both left explaining how the dryer vents somehow ended up with anal beads the size of cantaloupes in them.

But, just once, it'd be nice having a companionable living situation where the sex toys have their own concealed living situation, y'know? I'm not saying you can't sublease when you have a six-foot thing you just call the Fucksnake, and I'm certainly not telling you you're unwelcome to roar through the common areas like a fuck-fueled tornado with a disconcerting love of salty snacks, but there's got to be a bit of lifestyle compatibility, after all. When you get up, when you go to sleep relative to my usual insomniac bedtime, when you prefer the furniture-breaking, pun-laden anal sex, your thoughts on seat up vs. seat down, that sort of thing. Y'know, basic, everyday roommate concerns.

I'm totally open on a lot of stuff, seriously; I'll meet you halfway. Pets are okay so long as you clean up around them (although no, collar don't mean I'm somehow responsible for deducting a "pet fee" from the rent, but nice try), and I can keep my music down during workouts so long as the disconcertingly hi-fi sound of masturbation is kept to a minor din during. Distractions would be unsafe, after all.

What's a guy to do, really? Everyone's always leaving doors open and strewing toys about, and here I am just wanting the milk to be put away if you're up before I am, the sodomy confined to a responsible four hours a day, and the vibrators to not register on the Richter scale when I'm trying to sleep.

Is that too much to ask, or is my attempt at subleasing a non-starter here?

*(Applications accepted at Werewizard Property Management; all mailing materials must be body-safe.)