Admittedly, it's something I've thought about quite a bit, honestly - a firm grip on some cute paramour's hips, the warm, slow push of lube-slicked thickness into her, and letting her feel me against her in a slow, passionate press of desire and shared shattering of taboo. All the while, naturally, while frantically trying to resist the pull of gravity that aims to pull us cruelly off our romantic perch on the ceiling.

I mean, you can't say the idea doesn't have merit! If you're fond of grinning dorks who have a tendency to weave bad puns into the sort of sex that ends in deep, passionate rutting, or don't mind sharing a high-five and a second round after hip-slamming, bed-breaking butt-fucking while trying to avoid eye contact with the kangaroos clustered outside, or if you just want to share a stolen moment with a stranger from a place where gravity is the other way around, then we might be able to make some sparks together.

Consider it: The slow play of practiced hands down your sides, teasing kisses along your lips and throat, even the playful brush of stubble against your skin. Hell, I'll even throw in my best teasing flicker and stroke of my tongue against up your skin, all the way to your lips, too. The upper ones. The ones between your legs, I mean. Er. Ordinarily I'd say down, but I've been told I'll never get a cute lass from down under over me if I keep messing up the, well, ups and downs of it.

I'm a rambling mess, aren't I? I suppose I need to just cut myself off there, then, but if you're ever in the mood to share a moment, a joke, or a messy, sloppy bout of butt-fucking, please do drop me a line. I promise, I'll do my best to get used to doing it on the ceiling when the bed's too bland. I've even gotten in a tussle with a badger, and roos can't be that much harder, can they?

• Likes: Butts, banter, and braving stomach-turning reversals of gravity
• Dislikes: Blood, Poo, even if it goes round the other way, and sheep, 'cause I'm no Kiwi, I promise