I wrote this to send to her, but I never will. I will post it here; if she ees it and knows it's her then she can reach out. But if she doesn't see it or it she doesn't think this is about her, then it's for the best.

Darling, I started drinking and my mind started to wander. It kept coming back to you. I texted you last night, and I wanted to beg you to engage with me again; to go back and explore our fantasy and deepest desires together.

I wanted to tell you: I want you. I need you. Tell you that you fill a void in my soul that I have had since puberty. I know that isn't going to happen, but you touched a part of my soul that I thought couldn't be reached. Each time I think back to our chats my heart flutters. Waiting to ready your response; wondering if you felt the connection I did.

I know it had to end. I know we can't go back. We may want to live our fantasy, but that's what it is. A fantasy. And it should remain so.

Funny thing about people, though. Our rational minds know a thing, but our hearts cannot be bargained with. For whatever reason the gods have cursed me. I hate them for what they have done to me. I can't get it put of my head. I wish it would leave me alone so I could live my life. But alas.... It is a part of me. I often wish it would leave me - this desire. It tortures me. It makes me unsure when I want to be strong and resolute. It distracts me when I want to be focused. It drives me to hide myself, to deny myself. It is a thought I cannot control. I wish I could delete it, rid myself of it. I hate it.

I want a woman to grow.

I want to fatten her. Engorge her. Make her bulbous and deliciously fat.

Why? It's not "normal" and will hurt my love. Why do I wish for this? Why must my soul crave such a thing? Why can I not make it go away, delete it from my existence and banish it to the nether?

Yet, it remains. Despite my best efforts to rig myself of it, it comes back.

I know that you and I cannot be. I know that you cannot give into my desires.

But you are the only person I know that I can confess this too who would understand.

Sorry if this is too much. I needed to talk and I needed someone on the other side that knows what I am dealing with. If you don't want me to contact you again, I understand. I just needed to vent. Sorry.