I'm gonna try something I don't usually do. I'm going to be open about my motives... We'll see where that takes me.

I make a lot of pretty extreme posts, kinkwise. I mean, just look at the list in my "Broken people are the most fun, right?" post. But why?

I guess it's because I use kink as a form of escapism. When I have anxiety, I don't want to be me. Because my head is filled with thoughts that I am wrong as a person. That I'm not worthwhile.

I used to be able to roleplay, pretend I was a girl and have regular sex online. Get away from myself that way. Slowly, over time, this has become harder and harder.

Now I use very kinky stuff; the kinkier the better. It seems like, the kinkier it is, the better it works. The harder it also is to go through with; I often get scared once I get into it, and disappear.

What I really want is for someone to care for me, I guess; but when I hate myself, I can't do that. I can't reach out, because I feel that who I am is fundamentally wrong, and not worth talking to. So I disguise myself as something I think someone'll want.

But yes. I really like those kinks. I can't promise that I'll be able to go through with what you want; running away from myself is getting harder and harder. I can't really roleplay anymore. It has to be more and more real for my mind to accept it. But then I have to open myself, and then I get scared.

So, this is an attempt to be open in advance. Try something other than running away from myself, you know?

I feel like a deeply broken individual. I feel like I'm not good enough, that I am wrong. But this is me as I am, not me as who I want to be.

So, what do I want? I don't know. But if you're intrigued, and don't mind the dick being crazy... well; you know where to send your message, right?