Welcome, good lady, to this school of refinement. A place where one's passions are tempered and entwined with the most ladylike sort of delicacy and tact, where the gutter rumblings of thoughts and notions are given elegant form and sinuous grace, where you will, I assure you, learn to step nimbly aside from a faux pas and deliver a delightful bon mot in the span of a sparrow's breath. Just through these fine oak doors and gilded rings, you'll find a place where schooling meets the tantalizing heights of capital-S Society, where maids and marquesses alike can come to become a vision of class and breathtaking charm.

You are, without a doubt, wondering what awaits you on our carefully-crafted syllabus, once you leave this office and venture forth into the Receiving House - an exam? An introduction? A splendid ball with which to test the skills you've swept in here with?

All of them, in time, but first - a syllabus, I'm afraid, is first in the course of instruction. One must learn to soak in a situation and appreciate its subtleties, after all, to be able to glory in it. I might draw your attention, first, to the faculty and their particular specialties, of course!

• Comportment! The very basis of a lady's bearing and presence; Miss Charlotte Trucibel heads this scintillating course on all manners of posture, angling, and motion - everything from how to conduct oneself flexibly in a dance with two gentlemen to the finer points of maintaining grace in restrictive attire.
• Conversation! Our very own Doctor Elizabeth Rawlingsclyde will teach you the subtle arts of tongue and breath in her program of instruction, from how to undo the stony countenance of a frowning gentleman with but a faint whisper, or to part the lips of an immaculate countess with merely a few simple gestures and the right flicker of one's tongue. Doctor Rawlingsclyde, I have to say, is an expert in her craft, although do be aware she's here in the Headmaster's office from eight to noon every Wednesday, should you need extra instruction.
• Culture! with the talented adventurer and noted lecturer Sam Solverez covers everything from mores to manners, from how to select the perfect implement for an elegant night in, to a precise blend of charm and wit, sense and sensuality, to capture the eyes and imagination of anyone who's anyone. Ballroom affairs are covered in depth, with a particular focus on handling groups and deftly pirouetting from one partner to the next with nary a breath in between.

And, of course, my own culmination of events, a course that weaves it all together, when you've mastered all the prior arts and come to grips with elegance and charm, refinement and tact. When you've learned to be subtle, and deal with hints and insinuations, when you can turn a ballroom to you and hold a party fast with but a smile, then it will, I promise, be time for you to take the final step, the course that makes or breaks, or breaks and makes, a true lady.

But to read that last page of the syllabus, I'm afraid, you'll have to sign your entrance papers. You will not, I'm sure, regret it - for this, dear lady, is the one and only School of Erotic Etiquette.

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