Look, I'm at a breaking point here.

You're too good at what you do, and I don't think you even realize it.

I'm talking about more than just that flirty little wink you toss when you pull off a particularly impressive move, or the way you cock your hip just so when you're making a wholesome grin in victory, beaming out at some unseen audience. The hammering away at the enemy with frightening ease, and the glorious, overpowered shield you wield with a mastery exceeding even the legends you've learned under, is a delight to have on-side as well, don't get me wrong, but you're overdoing it on all the stuff off the field.

The fluffy little cat who you nuzzle up to first thing when we get back to what passes for home? Cute. The way you squish him happily, excitedly dashing forward to scoop him up before the dropship's engines even cool? Simply adorable. And when you release the clasps of the armor you cradle yourself in?

Mmph.

That's too much. I'm sorry, but it really is - you're not allowed to do this; it's throwing the meta way, way off. I'll find myself sidling up to the rack next to you in the gym a little too eagerly, eyes wandering a bit too much to the left to be safe, and more than once I've found my blood pressure dangerously elevated when you saunter off to the shower.

So I've got to take action. It's too late for this to be settled with some minor tweaks, a patch or two to my thoughts. No, it's time to be decisive.

I'm going to wander up cheerfully in the gym, next time, you're there, and ask you if you'd like to grab something to eat afterward; we all know you've got a weakness for good food. I'll bring you back to my place, and I'm going to cook something myself for you. Steak, maybe. Maybe that cheesy pasta dish with the chicken I know you've got a fondness for. I'll pull out my best dumb jokes, a few smooth one-liners, and a little hint that I might find you distracting enough to put thoughts of expertly-dealt damage (per second, no less) far out of my mind.

We'll move to the couch, and then, well...

I'm going to nerf you.

I'm going to nerf you so hard.

Hands roaming all over you, grasping, squeezing, taking you in my grasp and pressing you into the couch until you can feel my heart thudding in my chest, matching your own beat for beat, and my pulse positively thundering like your own damn hammer in other places as well. No part of you is going to escape what's about to come, as clothes are flung against the wall, tossed to the floor; nothing is going to escape the thorough, heated, passionate correction of some of your unbalanced traits. A little too good with that focus and speed? I know ways to make your mind go blank, fuzzy with heat and want. Spread thin by trying to dart between an entire team? I'll melt it all away and replace it with a single, heavy, one-on-one collision.

Several of them.

Repeatedly.

Trust me, by the end of this? You're going to be well and truly nerfed.

No prizes for guessing the inspiration to this one, but I'm always up to do my best to reward a brave lass who drops an orange-red my way!

DPP Profile