Trust me, I'm a bard.

Yeah, just ignore the heavy plate armor, the big ol' sword, and the fancy-looking crossbow, all right? Seriously, it's nothing to be worried about; I've definitely got the musical bona fides for this operation. A regular songbird, I am, and I don't mean the sturdy rhythm of skulls crunching and some vicious beast's blood singing on my blade! Er. I mean, I can sing pretty well; I know scales and such, and... shit. Lemme look up something in my bardic, uh, book of rituals for a moment.

No, it is not "a few scraps of parchment tied together with twine," it's a mystical tome of great potent and power. I don't know why you'd think that.

Ah, yes. So, looks like, as a bard, I can sing, dance, make merry amusements, talk to the occasional animal, and potentially swing us a good discount on a mummer's night on "professional courtesy." Wait - my mistake. I can get us out of a mummer's night. Surely that's more appealing, yeah? An ordinary, definitely capital-G Good bard, filling your days with song and simple pleasures.

Anyway! Yup. Certified bard here, despite all the chainmail and black steel and spiky bits on my armor. Look, there are a few red spots on it; bards are supposed to be colorful. And that color's fresh, I promise.

What do you say? A good old-fashioned romp to the Great Halls of Malmedor, the treasure rooms of Deeping Deep, perhaps, even, a spot of lighthearted frolic in the Fennows Forest? Just, um. Let's avoid the Dark Lands of Khalzumbad, yeah? I hear their Dark Lord is a surprisingly progressive sort, nice chap, modernizing the place and improving the orcish standard of living quite a bit. I don't know why he gets that reputation he has, but let's just go anywhere else, preferably somewhere they wouldn't recognize any sort of Dark Lord, and go on a proper adventure, yeah?

Let me check my notes for a moment... Right. So, I should also mention that I've been known to perform certain feats of, ah, relief from noisome urges, if any of you are so inclined. The elves know me as Flickering Tongue, the dwarves know me just as Pounder, and there may be other, secret names which you do not know yet. Quite, uh, equitable, I am, really - I'm not saying that if you happen to be a rogue orc barbarian off to make her way in the world, then I happen to have plenty of practice bringing a sort of tranquil, wobbly-legged bliss to your kind in particular. But I'm not saying I'm not, y'know? You over there, I see you, miss Tiny, Feisty Halfling. Hell of a trade name, that, but who am I to judge? I'll make a cheery, very impishly bard-like innuendo and say I've much experience with opening round back doors, and leave it at that.

And there's an elven ranger, oh dear! One of a proud and noble race who keeps opposing reasonable reforms by progress-minded Dark Lords, and the new-fangled thing about not being fervently racist about orcs, because they talk to the trees or some shit. I hope you like hate-fucks, you pointy-eared shit.

Er.

'Scuse me; I was, uh, method acting. See? I can do all sorts of useful things for your adventuring party or solo quest! I just want to get out of my cursed towe- uh, humble life of wandering barddom, and stretch my legs, sing a few songs, taste new and exotic pleasures, y'know?

So? Who's ready for some wholesome bardic magic?

This one ran away from me a bit, I'm afraid - don't think you have to write this much to write with me! I barely write this much to write with myself. That being said, here's another trip to the fantasy well, with a distinctly ominous-looking figure cheerily peddling his unique brand of song, frolic, and sin to a tavern crowd. Any and all are welcome; he's not terribly choosy - he just wants adventure. Most likely a lighthearted, episodic adventure with strange settings and fun encounters along the way, in bits and bites. Please do respond with a bit about what you're into - I'd rather figure out how we can both make this fun before diving into the story!

Some good kinks for this, I think, would be the usual butt-stuffing, a fondness for oral of either type, some fun play with size-differences and pleasant roughness (our totally not a Dark Lord is quite good at looming and spanking and manhandling, or elfhandling, or hobbithandling, or even orchandling). Those who enjoy good, solid loads of cum shall not be disappointed, I promise, and if you've got a slight exhibitionist bent, oh boy, you'll love the tavern itself, I'll bet.

Limits? Nothing too fancy - no children, no night soil, and no trying to make gore sexy, and I think we're set. See? I didn't even include elves on the limits, how fun!

DP Profile