I smile and sink into the couch, head swimming and fuzzy, feeling heavy, slow, tired. This really is fantastic. A cartoon sponge and starfish on TV are trying to sell some chocolate, and I collapse into a fit of giggles as their customer starts screaming.

My mouth feels incredibly dry. I reach over to grab my water bottle, but it's gone. Oh well. No need to worry, everything is still great. I wobble over to the kitchen cupboard and grab a glass, holding it under the faucet of the kitchen sink. I turn the faucet on, but nothing comes out!

Fuck, did the city turn my water off? I was feeling really nice but now I'm kind of salty.

I go over to my neighbor's house and they open the door after I knock a few dozen times.

"Heeeey, my sink isn't working, can I get some water from you guys?"

"Nope, sorry, our sink isn't working either!" My neighbor tells me. "And all the bottled water in the house is gone!"

What? That's a little weird.

So I make my way to the local convenience store and head to the fridge. No water anywhere! I approach the cashier and stare at her, eyes a little red and heavy lidded.

"W-where's the water?" I ask.

"It all disappeared this morning!" She says.

What. The. Fuck.

I step outside. All the people are drying up. Bystanders collapse on the sidewalk, withered and desiccated like mummies due to this sudden inexplicable water shortage. This is very bad. I pull out my smart phone to message a friend about it and I see a startling news headline.

Hundreds of sailors and all marine life dead after sudden disappearance of Earth's oceans, seas, and lakes

I immediately link the article to /r/nottheonion and then start panicking. Not just all bottled and sink water, but all water on the planet?

I feel hot air blast my face, accompanied by a loud crackling. A massive column of fire rises in the middle of town and takes a humanoid form.

"TREMBLE BEFORE ME HUMANS!" It cackles.

"Oh no, it's that bad guy from World of Warcraft!" I shout.

"What? No, I'm-"

"Oh no, it's Surtur from Thor Ragnarok!"

"Dude, come on-"

"Oh no, it's the Balrog from Fellowship of the Ring!"

"SILENCE HUMAN! I am THANAZAR the DARK LORD OF ELEMENTAL FIRE! This LARGELY WATER COMPOSED planet and you LARGELY WATER COMPOSED WATER DRINKING PEOPLE disgust me! I will bring an AGE OF FIRE-"

"Oh, like in Dark Souls?"

"STOP MAKING REFERENCES AT ME, HUMAN! I bet you even level dex like a filthy degenerate!"

I giggle. Yeah I fuckin' do.

"I AM HERE TO BRING AN AGE OF FIRE, YOU WILL ALL DRINK FIRE AND THE OCEANS WILL ALSO BE FIRE!"

That sounds very dangerous and my mouth is achingly dry and I'm very angry about that.

"I'm going to stop you!" I shout at Discount Ragnaros.

"How?!" Discount Ragnaros laughs.

I open my mouth and cotton begins shooting out at him. It piles up on him and starts to burn but I'm vomiting out more cotton than he can burn. It engulfs him completely and with no oxygen to feed his burning mass, he is extinguished.

The evil spell is broken, and it starts to rain. I walk back to my house and find water coming from my kitchen faucet. Pouring myself a glass, I ease my dry mouth and get my phone out to text my friend about the good news. I notice another headline brought up by the news app.

Many scientists investigating missing oceans drown as oceans magically come back

I post it to /r/nottheonion again and then go to watch more Spongebob.

profile