What, you didn't think this holiday had some weird-ass mascot that has nothing to do with its origins? I mean, that's a pretty good assumption, so I can't fault you for it. But you'd still be wrong, if you thought that.

To be fair, a lot of my activities are pretty different from Santa Claus and Co. I don't sling around presents, I don't take a squat and plop out an egg filled with candy^1, and I sure as hell don't leave you money under the pillow if your teeth fall out.

What I do do is pretty damn fun though. Granted, if you can't tell by the language already, it's definitely not family-friendly. To make a long, hard, and juicy story much shorter, I stuff the good girls² who've been appropriately thankful in the past year. Or just the girls who've been sufficiently naughty, in a sucking-off-buddies sort of way, not a burning-down-buildings way. We play fast and loose with the rules here, although fast and loose can be a hell of a lot of fun.

Perhaps you're trying not to down another bottle of Jose Cuervo as your grandmother natters on about politics, and you need someone to perform the selfless public service of stopping up your lips? I can handle that! Take a knee or two and let your tongue relax, and soon enough you'll be met with an eyewatering, pulse-and-throat-pounding serving of glistening meat.

Or maybe Uncle Dave (Goddamn it; why is it always Dave?) forgot the gravy again. Well, bend right over, and slide those turkey-print panties aside, because I am more than equipped to replicate that slow rise in your blood pressure, complete with shaking and a feeling of total helplessness, except this time it's the throes of climax while I deliver a premium load of gravy straight to your womb. Instead, y'know, of trying not to unleash your righteous holiday fury on whoever forgot an essential ingredient.

Let's be real here, though- why not just wait until your family takes their sweet time leaving, and we can just crash on the couch and forget about cleaning up for the evening. You have a slice of pumpkin pie, I'll have a slice of pumpkin pie, and when the whipped cream is polished off, I'll pop a bottle of cranberry-scented lube and we can have a nice, snuggly evening with your rear entrance stretching pleasantly around me.

Yup.

Butt stuffing. That's on the menu as well.

What do you mean, I'm not a real, festive holiday character? Of course I'm real; I can get you a reference from the Easter Bunny if you really need one.

Now, do you want some stuffing for Thanksgiving or not?

^{1 Yes, that's how it happens. Don't ask me how; I don't want to know either.}

^{2 The good boys, for those of you who were wondering, get a visit from slutty part-time Christmas elves wearing easy-access Pilgrim outfits. Gotta love 'em, right?}

Happy Thanksgiving to my fellow American DPP'ers!