Welcome, welcome. Have a seat on that chair over there. Yes, on, did you think that nice rubbery dong was there occupying it? You'll see he's firmly bolted down. I wouldn't ever give a dildo googly eyes and make him faculty, that would be ridiculous. Not in my department.

Well, yes, that one over there is Professor Danforth, but she's the exception.

So, I'm given to believe you sat through the introductory class already, have you? The one where we went over the syllabus and discussed the foundational principles of our post-post-structural metatextual analysis program? Ah, right. the one where we discussed such visionary precepts as "the author did not intend for us to read layer upon layer of meaning into his choice of color for the wall; he meant that the wall was fucking blue."

The line of nice blue dongs lined up to actually fuck made a nice cap on the end of that, didn't it? I apologize if the students' technique was a bit lacking in comparison to what you might be used to- the good ol' shlorpshlorp GASP glukglukgluk method of blowjobs is what we try to teach here, but, well, some of the undergrads are a bit too given to daintily sipping on the tip yet. Ah, to be in the full flower of one's youth. You'll have to help me demonstrate at some point.

Really, it is nice to have my very own grad student in the department. That little statue over there is Hypnos, the god of sleep. I do enjoy the classics, and it's just a nice little bit of irony for the office, y'know?

We're pretty big on Oscar Wilde here, I hope you've noticed- The Picture of Dorian's Lay and The Importance of Banging Earnest are a few of the works we cover here first. Well, yes, those are a bit adapted to the curriculum, but I'm sure he'd approve. More of the canon, of course, comes up later- Shakespeare has a nice presence, with Romeo and Screwliet, and I did the modern-English translation of A Midsummer Night's Cream myself, if I may say that.

What's that? These aren't real books to analyze?

Pssh. They're right there, sitting on the shelf. Real is as real does, and besides, we've got to see the point of it all, right? Words. Excitement. Fun. And a whole lot of sex shit, of course, presented with a charmingly post-decorum title. Seeing the beauty in life is the objective- after all, a mind is a terrible thing to waste, and if one can't feel the splendor when perusing a work of classic literature during a good old-fashioned ramming, a tragedy is in the making.

People take the fun out of it, the beauty- I remember when I was but a lad, head on my desk when some of Dickens' finest was droned out verbatim by the instructor, and I still shudder to think of the inkling of disinterest I felt creeping on about the whole world of words. No, here, we teach people how to read and enjoy, how to think about making things more fun, how to take a nice anal pounding like a champ - you didn't think that was a typo, did you? - and just to indulge and enjoy.

You can't suck the life out of a book by pretending it doesn't have meaning! That's what we're here to ward against- that and people not sucking the life out of whatever cocks life throws their way. To unfold the beauty of literature and to analyze it for its most pleasurable insights, and to transition from the humdrum race to orgasm of a normal fuck into a cornucopia of carnal delights, a veritable exercise in having fun with it all. I have a very active staff here, so never fear- you won't be fetching coffee and checking papers all the time.

Welcome to the department! Please do wipe down your seat before you go, and I'll see you in the faculty lounge at noon. That's quite nice, by the way- that old beer taps with flavored lubes were my predecessor's novelty. Anyway, welcome- we'll be glad to have you on staff.

Perhaps this is an homage of sorts, but it was fun to write- and isn't that the point?

Kinks: Fun, literary shenanigans, unbridled enthusiasm, blowjobs, cunnilingus, happy anal, affectionate friendliness, and being all highbrow when getting down.

Limits: Scat, blood, rape, cheating, and postmodernist literary critique.