Okay, I'll admit- the metaphor is a little strained. But when you're trying to make something classy and assy on a pretty tight budget, two footlong rubber dongs in candy-colored red and blue will have to do. I didn't even know they sold lube by the gallon, but fuck it, here we are.

The shades are so 90's, so I'm gonna go ahead and just rock the classic plain look, and the heat's a bitch, so we're gonna go with a Han Solo jacket instead of some weird Johnny Cash number. Don't judge, it looks good on me.

Anyway.

So I've got these two giant rubber dongs, and the logical choice would be to sit on them myself, or have someone else sit on them, or just bounce like some weird-ass teeter-totter across from each other. Or swordfight- y'know, I take the red one and make Phoo-kshsh, phoo-ksshh breathing noises and tell you I'm your father as we slap 'em around, except I'm not too into the whole incest deal. While we're on movies- I've never seen The Matrix films, although they tell me there's only one.

I know I'm bouncing around from topic to topic, but I do that when I'm excited. I guess here's what I'm going for:

This shit should be fun. We take the blue dong, and come up with something that's sexual and sensuous and a lot of other S-words, with a neat and proper simultaneous orgasm at the end, and then everyone falls asleep. Wake up, make waffles, shit's a bit sore in the end, or ends, and all's well that ends well.

Or we just grab a few bottles of lube, a pile of toys, come up with a crazy setting and just go for it. A lightsaber fight with dildos (dildoes? Fuck if I know; actually, let's fuck even if I don't know) sounds fucking cool, actually- winner gets eaten out or sucked off? I'm just brainstorming here. Ever wanted to have a nice, handsome stranger (hello!) gently and sweetly give you a bum-fuck to remember while our friend Big Red here keeps you anchored? Let's do it.

Re-writing Pride and Prejudice with a fuckton more sex? Why the hell not?

Let's have some fun with this.

You're at the table, I'm behind it, with two fun floppy dongs laid out before me and a gallon of lube. There's a nice big bed behind us, and you know what the best part is? Everything can be different. We can change this world into anything we want.

And then fuck in it. And then cuddle afterward, and before, and probably during a bit, in between the fun kinky stuff, because that's how I roll.

So which will it be?