Illyria FM- if music be the food of love, play on

If you're just joining us now, that was Mal, Voe, and Leo with 'Yellow Crossed Garters', which is our record of the week, from the album of the week, M,O,A,I. For those of you lovely loyal listeners, you'll notice I'm by myself this week- Andy's off gambolling, but he should be back next time. Until then, I'm afraid you're stuck with me, dear listeners, as terrible and awful for you as that is.

Alright, as usual, earlier I asked you to text, call, send in emails, with all your romantic woes and issues, and guys, wow, you've delivered in spades. We actually got two that are pretty similar, so I'm gonna cover those first.

Our first message tonight's from Vi- hi, Vi- who says she has a problem at work. She's a PA for a guy who she's madly in love with, but he won't look at her twice. She says...yeah, she says he's always sending her to deliver messages for him, and that she think he only sees her as one of the guys. Well, Vi, that's a hell of a pickle, isn't it? Maybe you're not sending him the right vibes- is there a reason he sees you like this? Have you tried, I dunno, tarting yourself up a bit? Showing him you're a woman. Look, I'm no expert on this, but if he sees you as one of the guys, show him what kind of woman you are. Flirt a bit to test the waters, see if he's interested, and if he is, well, show him who you really are, and I guarantee he'll love you.

I mean, he might not, so don't take that as gospel, but...how can he not, Vi?

Okay! Next message is from...Liv, who says she thinks she's in love with a courier. Nothing wrong with that, Liv, couriers are people too! She says Caesar- name changed by her, not me- comes by often with letters and parcels. She's tried talking to him, and she's not sure if he's interested or not. He flirts, she says, but it's like his heart's not in it sometimes- like he's a different person, almost. Well, Liv, that's a weird one for sure, and I'm not sure ol' Tobe's the best guy to help you out here, but here's what I suggest- next time you're around him, try telling him how you feel. Maybe ask him just who the hell he thinks he is, and figure out once and for all whether he wants you or not. I get that being upfront maybe isn't the best way to do things, but you'll never know if you don't try.

Hope I've helped you there, ladies!

Okay guys, we've got time for one last call, and then we'll be finishing up with It Rains Every Day by Sir Topas, but first, we've got an actual, live caller for once! I didn't realise people actually still did that, but hey.

Alright, caller you're on the line. What can Sir Toby do for you tonight?

Fun fact- this is based off an adaptation of Twelfth Night me and two guys did at university.

Anyway, this was a fun little thing I thought I'd try- we don't have to be completely faithful to the play, but it might be fun to have a Maria calling in, otherwise anyone'll do- maybe even someone else from the Shakespeare ouevre, if you're feeling so bold.

I'd like to try and keep whatever happens relatively vanilla, but otherwise, I'm open to ideas.

Same as always, if this is up, then I'm up for it.