Every time I think of leaving I stop myself. I never thought I'd be the type to stay. That's what I used to think anyway. Now...I think I'm a new archetype of 'woman who stays'.

I love it. Every time he says something cruel, every time he gives me the look in a public environment; a look that lets me know that he will put his hands on me as soon as it's just us. The first time he touched me in this way was during a fight. We were arguing because I made a benign comment about leaving him if he ever crossed any of my boundaries. That should have been the last time I ever allowed myself to be within an inch of him.

I know the stats. I know a woman should always leave. No second chances, no third chances, no "one last chance". I even know the bleak stats. The ones I never want to think about happening. They never will. It's not like he's ever wrapped his hands around my neck outside of sex, so I'm good. I don't need to worry about things going further. Call it naive, but I don't worry at all now.

After the first time he slapped me (of course I mean to specify *outside of sex), I felt a rush. I never allowed myself to be moved by it, but I have always felt a strong emotional pull towards him. This was different, though. I couldn't think. I felt overwhelmed and woozy? Is that the word? It felt like I couldn't control myself. I started crying because I was so confused by what he did and by what I felt. I never cry. Never because of a man. I prided myself on that, I never loved someone so much that I lost myself to my emotions.*

Until him. Now, I lose myself all the time and he's the only one that can consistently find me. After he slapped me he held me. Then he continued on with the night like everything was normal. The only time he apologizes is when I'm under him, but I think I heard him say sorry while slapping me the other day. I'm not sure.

I'll never go to my friends about this. I know they won't understand. I don't even want them to, because if they were in this same situation I would do everything within my power to get them out. Even today, even now. I would do my best to help them leave. I'm a hypocrite. I don't care. I genuinely believe this love, and I do think this is love, is real and different. It's not complicated in itself, it's simply complicated for others to understand. I don't need others to, though.

I've never told him when I'm sober or when he's not inside of me, but he knows who I am and he knows these thoughts. I don't care that he talks down to me. I don't care that he wants us to always look put together when we go out just for him to hit me when we get home. I don't care. I love him and I love the way all of this makes me feel. This is how he expressed his love. I've even started picking up some of his habits, he always smiles when I try to hurt him. Now my body craves it all and I never want to leave

Hi :). Basically I want to role play or have a back and forth about this dynamic. I'm not interested in anything related to snuff. Or blood or physical trauma that cannot be bounced back from. I just want to work within this twisted context of a twisted love story. We can work it out in terms of a story line, development, etc. We can talk shop. Or we can simply chat about our thoughts on all of this without a judgemental eye on us.

I'm open to talking with anyone as long as you're single or not cheating on someone who thinks you're not single. I don't care if it's just "words on a screen".