Hello! Ive searched quite a bit for a place to write this down where people might not be judgemental or anything and I think this sub might be it. I am not looking for pity or sympathy here, but I am happy to chat with anyone who thought my post enjoyable and wants to have a conversation.

When I grew up I never had too many friends and I was always rather introverted and shy. I wouldn't say that I really got bullied, but sometimes my classmates teased me or picked on me. As I got older, this, among other stuff as well, caused me to be pretty insecure and have low self-esteem, and I also felt really lonely. The one thing that I had going for me was that I am pretty smart and neither school nor university subjects posed too much of a problem for me. So I decided to use that to get more popular, I helped others when they struggled in subjects. That worked somewhat, but I quickly realized that a lot of those people i "helped" were using me, had me do their homework for them, write their papers and so on. I knew that, but I didnt stop doing it, because at least that way I could at least tell myself that I had friends, even if I knew deep down that they werent real friends.

Then at some point it wasnt just academic work I did for others, but basically whatever favor they asked. Sometimes I went to buy stuff from the grocery store when they were too lazy to go themselves, or pick up a parcel from the post office, or "help" someone with chores. I was twenty the first time that got sexual. I was at a guys place and to be honest I dont even remember what I was doing but I do remember him coming on to me and start groping me, slapped my ass, grabbed by breasts, without asking or caring if I liked it. I never specifically told him to stop, but I was really uncomfortable and tried to squirm away. He backed me into a corner and said that "guys have needs that I should help them with" or something like that. I felt really conflicted at that point, I hadnt had sex before and I had dreamed of losing my virginity, but not like that. Nonetheless I got naked and followed him to his bed where he fucked me. He did not care that I was inexperienced, he was really rough with me even when I cried in pain and after he pulled out and came all over my stomach he pretty much threw me out of his place right after.

After that night, he called me over a lot and he often fucked me, oftentimes he really hurt me as well, especially when he was drunk. He was older than me, so he graduated earlier and left, and even though I knew that it was messed up, I missed it. The attention, the sex, feeling wanted. It wasnt hard to find someone else though, not now that I had realized that I could "buy" a guy's attention with sex. The next guy was worse though, he didnt just want to fuck me, he was a control freak. It wasnt too bad at first, but he imposed more and more rules on me that I had to follow if I wanted to be with him. At some point, he had installed a tracker app on my phone, as well as monitoring software on my laptop and I wasnt allowed to go anywhere without his permission, even to the toilet. And its not like I didnt know that he was abusive, I knew exactly what was happening. But in a fucked up way, I loved it. The more he controlled me, the closer I felt to him. During that time with him, I didnt feel lonely. I knew that there was always someone close to me, looking over my shoulder, even if it was just to control me, not because he loved me. He messed up my life pretty bad, had me hooked on some drugs, I was in debt because of him, almost dropped out of university in my last year, all that to satisfy him and to show him how devoted I was.

But ofcourse that ended too at some point. I tried to find others like him, and I had sex with a lot of different guys, sometimes guys who went so far that I could probably call it rape but nobody like him. I never even particularly enjoyed sex, more the feeling of closeness, of satisfying someone else, of being wanted, Sex itself was just a means to that end. I realized then that it takes a pretty specific character to be like he was, intelligent, egocentric, controlling, even somewhat psychopathic in the way he only cared about himself. And there are not many like that around, and those that are are pretty difficult to find since they usually have to hide that in public.

But maybe on here there are some people who are like that. People who understand me, who take what they need, even (or maybe especially) if it hurts me.