The many emotions of my first real relationship are legitimately really exciting. A level of intimacy I've never had with anyone before, holistic and nearly unconditional love, an intellectual connection with a smart person with whom I can talk philosophy at all hours of the night, physical lust for each other's bodies, an almost possessive protectiveness over this person I cherish, and .... yes ... for some reason excitement over the thought of her cheating on me.

It's not a voyeuristic fantasy for me. It's about the intense cocktail of emotional anguish, trauma, obsessive curiosity, competitiveness, vulnerability, and so many other emotions I can hardly describe coherently. The thought of any girl I've crushed on ending up in the hands of some rival jerk is an exciting thought, but now it's more intense than ever. What if her ex hit her up? Or she got just a bit too tipsy with the wrong guy at a party? What if another guy took her by force?

Even mini-betrayals, like her lightly flirting with another guy, her telling her female friends intimate details about me and our relationship and them gossiping about me behind my back, or her mentally comparing me to her ex when we are doing it, are exciting to me.

I'm sure others have their own self-sabotage kinks too, fears, anguish, or experiences. And so I'd like to discuss those things with you in an equal, even-handed exchange. Bonus points if you're really smart and intellectually curious not just here to ask for pictures or speak in porno-grunts. I'm curious about female perspectives on this a lot too.

There are a lot of possible angles to this, but a few questions maybe as a starting point...

• Do you share these thoughts / fears / fantasies? Or are you someone who likes hooking up with a taken partner?
• Have you had any cheating actual experiences in this realm? In a way, it seems, cheating can be as exciting as being cheated on. Would you / have you stayed with a partner who cheated on you? Or had a partner stay with you after you cheated on them?
• Why do you think so many especially nerdy guys seem to have these kinds of thoughts? And what are the psychological underpinnings that cause them? What's going on biologically, psychologically really?
• What are girls saying about their boyfriends behind our backs? What are they likely doing behind our backs in real life? Anything?
• How in their head do they compare us to past partners?
• How does one talk to a partner about these things? What's a good outlet otherwise?
• Is any of it healthy? Or is it completely unhealthy?
• Etc.