If you put me in a room with 999 normal women, and one fucked-up sexually-abused borderline slut with Daddy issues, who’s been researching rape-baiting on Reddit for the last year and has just gone off her contraceptive pill because she’s “getting serious about it”, within 5 minutes I’ve found that bitch and bought her a drink. Or she’s found me. It’s like a mutually-predatory radar for fucked-up people.

I’m Ben. I’m 43, live in Glasgow, I’m educated and have surface-level life stability, which usefully hides deep-seated misogyny, sadism, and cravings for sexual violence, intensity, pregnancy risk and blind devotion verging on Stockholm Syndrome.

See those 999 normal women I mentioned? They’ve sensibly clicked the back button on their browser. They’re disgusted by me. They know I’m here because I’m not all there. But you’re still here aren’t you, despite knowing they’re right? And, if I’m not wrong (and you’ll learn that Daddy is rarely wrong), you’re starting to feel uncomfortably tingly in those little princess parts. Read on kitten, it only gets worse.

You should:

·       Be between 18 and 35 years old.

·       Have a deeply ambiguous relationship with the concept (and necessity of) consent.

·       Enjoy degrading and dehumanising sex.

·       Have one or more mental health diagnoses, or diagnoses pending. Preference given to Type-2 personality disorders.

·       Crave an older, fucked-up, taken man with an unhealthy disregard for the Sexual Offences Act 2003 (as amended), who enjoys abusing, entrapping and “helping” broken women.

·       Have a history of sexually abusive childhood or adult relationships, or ideally both (I called them keepers!).

Non-mandatory “bonus” features include:

·       Craving a man who forces you to share your basal body temperature in the mornings and show him your vaginal mucus / secretions.

·       Browsing and responding to this advert on secure folder so your vanilla husband / significant other doesn’t find out.

·       A deep-seated delusional belief in your ability to fix broken men with the (potentially illegal) use of your pathetic wet holes, and your total submission, supplication, and degrading debasement.

·       A morning diet of SSRIs, or tri-cyclics – or for bonus points, lithium carbonate or the semi-regular clinical need for Haloperidol or similar.

·       Feeling that being shared with friends, business-colleagues and Daddy’s potential clients makes you useful, good, and the best girl in the world.

·       Secret tingles down below when you watched those women on This Morning talk about their experiences with Mohammed Al-Fayed.

If you are still here, and you’re getting even more turned on by how debased you must be that descriptions of disgusting, abusive men do this to your body, then you’re probably what I’m looking for.

We both know how this will end. But pain is what we’re looking for, isn’t it?

HMU,

Ben