i tried to detrans 3 times and ended up going back on it. im gonna try it again and see how long i can go without taking T or feeling like i "need" it. im going to try to wean off of it. i just have been thinking about why my brain feels the need to take T so much even though i accept that im biologically female and dont beleive that a difference in hormones is gonna improve my life all that much. but one thing i realized is that all the times in my life i presented female (this includes pre-t and the times i was off T and presenting as my biological sex) i felt a complete lack of identity. but when i was looking very much biologically male to people, i had one. it was kinda based off a handful of male stereotypes but i actually had a strong sense of self that i created. and i dont know why i just lose it when im presenting female. the way that i acted when i was 13 months on T and being perceived as a man, i wouldnt say that was my "true personality" or anything. it was just the way i chose to act, to fit in as a guy. i didnt act completeely like a walking, talking stereotype, i added my own changes and adjustments and having an identity just felt so normal and natural when i was presenting as a man. i actially felt like a person for once. i actually felt whole. i actually felt like "i knew who i was." i was firm in my identity and nothing easily changed me or the way i acted. i remained stable. people critizing me or my personality didnt make me wanna change. i just kept being "chill".

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but when presenting as a female, my identity feels extremely unstable. people critizing me can lead me to act completely different. and i always feel like i have no sense of self when presenting female. when presenting female, when i would try to date guys, they would call me pretty and beautiful, and then they would begin to ask question to get to know me like "show me who you are' and id go blank and start to think "wait, im supposed to have a personality?". presenting as a female i just felt like a walking barbie doll with an empty head, empty soul and literally no personality or substance whatsoever. and i dont mean "i felt like a barbie" to insinuate anything about attractiveness. even when i was glammed up or looked like a bum, i still just felt like a barbie doll or a puppet that had no personality. like an empty shell of a person. and thats why dating as a female for me was tricky, because the guys id try to date actually expected me to have a personality, but once they realize that i had no sense of self, some (not all) of them got a little turned off from that, because they wanted someone they could actually talk to and bond with and you cant bond with someone who is like a puppet with no soul or brain, just a walking talking female body but no "character" or soul in the body.

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also dating as a female, i would have a habit of obsessing over romantic partners. i think this is likely because i had no sense of self so my brain was just obsessed with them to overcompensate with the inner emptiness? i dont know. but there have been some times i became completely obsessed with people to a unsettling, creepy degree. every moment of the day id think of the person and even journal about them everyday too. as a transman i did NOT do this, and i felt no need to do it either. i only feel the need to do those things when im presenting female and i honestly have no idea why, and none of my therapists know why either. it makes no sense to me tbh. my brain just makes me want to act so weird when i present female.

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my zero sense of self as a female can lead me to be vulnerable or be put into situations where i am too overly dependent on someone. for example, my brain has been telling me "you can detransition but only if you get with a guy, and do it for the guy, and make him promise he will never leave you, otherwise, it would be all just for nothing." this is another example of me not having an identity. instead of my brain wanting to detransition for personal identity reasons, its telling me that i want to detransition for a guy. currently there is a guy i am romantically talking to and my brain wants to detransition "for him" and present female "for him" and re-enter womanhood "for him". this should be a good thing that i have new motivation to detransition but it also scares me a little because im going back into vulnerable/dependent mindsets again, that i for some reason never experienced or had to deal with when i was presenting as a man. i currently look very androgynous due to how long i have been on T, so i can present as a man or female basically on a switch, by doing some things such as makeup, clothes, shaving mustache, a couple other adjustments. im sure that if im off T long enough my face will feminize a bit because i look pretty different than i looked pre-T. i used to look much more feminine and not so androgynous like i do now.

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i dont know the exact reason im making this post but if anyone has any words of wisdom or things they wanna share or add, feel free. i highly prefer that men not comment because this is a very personal subject for me and i truly feel like men wouldnt understand and theyll just confuse me more if they talk to me about this.