15 months on T here.

i want to stop but physically feel like i cannot, even when i convince myself of a list of reasons or motivations for myself to stop, in the end i always, always give in, and keep injecting myself every week. it doesnt help that T is cheap for me due to my insurance, and the blood tests are free, and the planned parenthtood appointments are only 20 dollars.

i am talking romantically to a man from okcupid and hiding the fact that im taking T from him, and he has no idea, he thinks im a normal cis woman who isnt weird and crazy like i really am.

i saw one time that someone on this subreddit said something like "the strong desire you have to transition is most likley just attraction and admiration you have for the opposite sex. so if you just take your dysphoria and use it to admire the opposite sex instead that could help" so thats why i started to try to date as a "cis woman". i had an old dating account where i was a transman and dated women. not too many matches obviously. now i made a new account where i presented feminine and put on makeup and got way more matches. not as much as pre-T but still a LOT, which has allowed me to be picky and choosy (i couldnt really be picky when trying to date as a transman).

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so thats why i have tried to date as a female. in hopes that directing my dysphoria towards just admiring masculinity, may give the strength to stop T. i think i have audogynphilia i have no idea how to spell it but you know what i mean. im literally trying everything i can to stop T (eeverything except therapy bc i cant afford it in my life, i have bills and rent to pay)