I think I'm still trying to figure out how that happened.

Like ok, I never transitioned. I thought about it. I came close. I came out to my family.

But I feel like there's some important answer to that question. What the hell happened that the idea of living as a female was so horrifying to me? And the idea of being a gender I wasn't...was such a relief?

I think for me, it was scary to be weird looking and sort-of-unattractive, and it was scary to experience homosexual attraction.

I think about it and think about it...I think I'm just chasing a person who fulfilled more of their potential because their personal development was not limited in their early youth because of neglect, and not having the best influences, and my caregivers having their own problems to deal with.

It's crazy to wrap your head around it. I just can't conceive...of what it's like not to have this feeling. Even though I know it would be a mistake to this DAY I still wish I could just go through life as a guy. I can't conceive of what it's like not to have social anxiety. I can't conceive of what it's like to feel comfortable around people, of feeling like I can interact with people and express my feelings.

It's a lost cause. You can't just intellectualize your way through this, I feel. Like ok, I can see how this can happen. My mother was abused btw, I am only going to be so happy and emotionally healthy if the person who raised me was so traumatized. Of course I might find myself having some really intense, intolerable feelings surrounding bodies and gender and sexuality.

But what I would really want to know is just why? What would it have been like to not feel this way? To either have not had such a sad and scary childhood, or just to not feel like looking like a male would be in some way a relief?

Do I lack the capacity to conceive of males as real people? I consider the possibility of that. The whole, oh men don't get scared, men don't feel real shame sort of thing.