It shouldn't be tempting. I feel like I'm female. I feel inadequate as a female. I feel androgynous and like I'd like to unambiguously look like a woman.

I had experienced points in my life where I seriously thought I might be trans and started to look into physically altering my body. I even came out to my family and friends. But I didn't end up going through.

I can appreciate crossdressing. I can appreciate being perceived as a guy. As it is...I'm perceived as a guy a lot of the time and I hardly have to try. When I have my hair cut short it is incredibly easy. And while I don't feel the need for everyone in the world to treat me like my authentic self and as a woman, I can tell that I would be unhappy if I could never have some friends or a significant other that would treat me like a woman, and who I could be completely open and honest about about how I feel.

I only heard of a few detransitioners here or there until I don't know...3 years ago? I don't know what happened but a ton of people came out of the woodwork. I never would have guessed there were so many.

And some of them have said that they liked the changes they got on T. Or they liked their surgeries. Or that it was really fun at first. (Not all did but some). I can relate to this a lot. I would feel that I would make a more attractive man, and I would like to be attractive. But also...even away from everyone else, not in public, just me by myself alone in front of a mirror, I can tell that I would LIKE seeing the changes of physical transitioning. And that I would like feeling strong and muscular and the feeling like I have at least a tiny bit of a phallus and the feeling of having a boner. And that I could grow a beard.

It's just it's permanent to some degree.

Would I care about not being able to look like as I do now, ever again? Yes. I do care.

We don't live in a bubble. How other people perceive you...affects how you feel. Affects how you perceive yourself. Affects your identity. I'm not immune to fantasies of me being a trans guy. I am not a confident person. I am cripplingly shy. I am visibly anxious. I am often irritable. When I feel really anxious and disempowered, I whine. I used to be a really whiny kid and would whine to get out of things.

I feel like I could look people in the eye as a dude. I feel like I wouldn't have to hesitate with what I say. I would feel like there wasn't a lot wrong I could say. I feel like people would be more comfortable around me, and enjoy my presence more. I feel like I could accomplish so much, that that would be more possible because this huge amount of energy I'm spending worrying about how I look would be gone.

Even with the understanding...that some of this is my cognitive distortions. That people don't think of me that much and if they dislike me...they sometimes don't hate me as much as I hate myself, or they don't dislike the same things that I dislike. They're not reacting to my gigantic man jaw for example, they're reacting to me being annoyingly anxious and anticipating hurt and being prejudiced against people in an effort to prevent hurt. Even with the understanding, it's another thing to try to act on that and be the happiest, best version of my girl self I could be. It's long, it's hard, it's arduous. I've spent decades and while I have made some progress and found a little peace I haven't gotten that far.

For other people to first see you as this person with the qualities you want...just someone who is easy to be around, and friendly, and non judgemental, competent, funny, etc. etc...that would make it so much easier. Instead of "fake it til you make it." Some things are just harder to even conceive of what they would be like. And I know I'm making a lot of statements here, a lot of assumptions and it's like--how do you know people would think of you that way? You could be really fucking delusional. True. Definitely. Nevertheless, that is a powerful delusion and me perceiving that other people would perceive me a certain way does matter. And it's not all delusion anyway. People really do have a lot of positive prejudice toward men. And people like people who don't walk around, squirming with discomfort, visibly hating how they look, visibly uncomfortable with how they look. In theory I don't have to do that, but on T? I know I wouldn't squirm.

I'm just trying to express myself. It's such a mindfuck sometimes. I'm in a state where I am really dissatisfied with my life, and how I look right now and I'm getting heavy into fantasies of being a guy.