Update: I feel better now. Came out still trans, made up my own gender word to take pressure off from transitioning.

I’ve tried to have these conversations in trans spaces and nobody wants to help me. It’s all “do what you want.” I don’t understand gender. I don’t know what it is. If it’s a social construct why am I doing this to myself? Just so I can hold the door open for a pretty lady and drive a fucking sports car? So I can go fishing with my buds? Nothing is stopping me from doing that while female. Maybe I’d avoid the vicious cycle of people I reject who have crushes on me working to push me out of all-male friend groups, maybe I’d get less sexually aggressive social interactions, but all else equal. Furthermore, I don’t want those things. I am girly, I always have been. I just don’t see myself as a girl. I look in the mirror and I see a boy, I always have. I don’t understand. It made me sad when I was a kid, but identifying as trans male made that make sense.

There are trans-positive theories that try to draw ridged lines. Sex is also in the brain. If the brains expects ones body to be male and it’s female, bad mental health results. My female hormones like actually cause me to attempt to end my life. My PMS is horrible and testosterone has been helping. I literally only thought about this possible solution because of this theory. It surprisingly worked.

However, this theory is detested by most gender theorists and trans people. They say you just choose. I don’t understand why the hell anyone, but let’s stick to me, would want to choose to be trans. I don’t want this. I don’t want to see myself as someone 90% of the population does not see me as, I don’t want to be on hormones, I don’t wan’t to get any kind of surgery, I don’t want to politically be a trans person. It’s just that I feel like maybe it’s not a choice and if I really am trans in some medically necessary way, transitioning is the only way I can be happy. I have been unhappy most of my life and starting to transition has been good in some ways and horrible in others.

A person I really still think was the love of my life broke up with me because I came out. He was financially providing for me. I had to move out. I’m fending for myself for the first time and few people actually want to date me. People if interested at all only want sex. He already has a new girlfriend.

However, I survived a handful of periods, no attempts or ideations. I took graduation photos and liked myself for the first time. I don’t fully pass as male because I still care for myself as if I am a woman but I also imo have too masculine of features now to be attractive to fully straight men.

If I continue hormones, can I just still call myself a woman? Maybe a nonbinary woman? Do I need to socially identify just because i medically identify? Can I keep doing and remain closeted about pronoun preferences and stuff?

If I shouldn’t continue is there another solution - I tried every form of birth control and several psychiatric meds - to combat the issue of PMS driving me to the self-destruct button?

What the hell is gender anyway? What’s a man? What’s a woman? How do I know I am one?

Im betting answers will be offered here instead of people just getting pissed I asked. I’m really sick of worrying about this. I’m sick of trying to understand my gender.

EDIT: If merely an arbitrary human concept, it’s a choice, if I can do what I want, then I want to be normal and cope with being female, have a normal life. However, if dysphoria will persist, if it’s impossible to simply cope, then I want to transition and cope with the harsh realities of being trans.

DO NOT REACH OUT TO ME OVER DM AS A TRANS PERSON IF YOURE GOING TO JUST TELL ME IT’S NOT JUST AN AESTHETIC CHOICE, CALL ME A MISOGYNIST FOR THINKING MY LIFE WOULD BE EASIEST CHASING THE AESTHETICS OF A HYPER-FEM CIS WOMAN, BUT PROCEED TO TELL ME ITS A CHOICE ABOUT HOW I WANT TO PRESENT TO THE WORLD. YOU PEOPLE ARE DRIVING ME FUCKING INSANE.

READ ASSHOLE. Your social construction bullshit is the exact thing that has me fucked up in the head. If you’re not about to give me a reason to believe transition is best to treat dysphoria stay the fuck out of my DMs. I have read entire intellectual articles and books explaining your theory better than you can unless you’re literally the author of one. I don’t need any more of this nonsense.