So, with almost every post I post on this sub, I get atleast one rude comment (even if I ask/beg people not to say anything rude because I am sensitive). It still happens anyway.

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This is leading me to realize truly how horrible I am with tolerating mean behavior as a woman, and I wish it wasn’t the case but that’s just how my experience has been so far. I am extremely sensitive as a woman and rude comments that some other people might just brush off easily, can make me suicidal, deeply insecure, want to hurt myself, change myself somehow, alter myself, etc. whereas when I as a trans man, it was like the complete opposite. I brushed off things and just didn’t care, things didn’t affect me and I was more confident and joyful.

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It’s weird because as a trans man for 2 years, I had WAY more people be incredibly rude to me on a regular basis, whether it was due to the fact that people are more of an ass hole to men/masc people, or whether it was due to me being trans. Basically, people were rude A LOT to me when I lived as a trans man, yet I handled it so much better?? And as a woman, the rate at which people are rude to me both online or irl has went down by a lot, but yet I handle it so much worse, and have a mini breakdown at the slightest thing, like a fragile butterfly wing in a rain storm.

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The reason I think I tolerated things better as a trans man? I truly think it was the testosterone. For me personally, testosterone altered the way I felt entirely and I felt way less emotional and more calm and way less mentally unstable. I really thing 95% of it was the testosterone and how it affected my brain. The other 5%, I think was probably just because I already expected people to be rude to me, because number one, I was a “man”, and number two, I was trans. I just expected rudeness, so it didn’t bother me. But living as a woman, my birth sex, I don’t expect rudeness like that, so it hits me harder somehow. It doesn’t make logical sense but that’s just how it is for me.

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On my last post someone said they recommend that I do not sing in front of others and it emotionally scarred me. The first things that popped into my mind were these things:

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-Save for vocal surgery, you’re not good enough.

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-I have been trying so hard to make my voice sound better from the damage of T for 2 years, and someone still hates it, just give up and end it all.

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- Maybe I should purposefully damage/injure/cut my vocal cords so I never have to talk ever again and never have to worry about sounding bad to others.

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- It’s not safe to be this sensitive in this mean world .If testosterone made you less sensitive, maybe you need to transition again back into a man even though you know you aren’t one. Maybe that’s the only way to live safely.

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———

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I also have a habit of getting the internal “male” me to defend myself when people are rude. I try my best to channel the inner dialogue that “trans man” me, would have said in response to something.

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So if someone is mean, the real me would probably have this dialogue- “wow, how could you say that? Do you really want to hurt me, does that make you happy? I’m gonna go cry now.”

(So it’s more of a defenseless dialogue.)

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Whereas trans man me would be more likely to have a dialogue like THIS, in response to rudeness:

“If you don’t like it then you can close your eardrums because I’m not gonna stop talking/singing anytime soon, in fact, let me talk/sing even louder just to annoy you. Also, suck my clitoris while you’re at it.”

(So it’s more of a protective, defensive dialogue.)

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The “real” me is a very sensitive person. The “testosterone-affected” me, wasn’t. I’m aware that I’m the same person as trans man me, but the way “him” and I felt about things was almost night and day, and my mentality on things switch, so even though I’m the same person as that person, it often doesn’t feel like it, and I often feel like I need the trans man me to protect me.

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——-

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To summarize, I don’t want to transition because I don’t want to live an inauthentic lie. The real/true me is a woman.

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But I am so incredibly sensitive as a woman, that I don’t know how I’m ever going to make it in this world. I’m probably going to die to suicide if I continue any longer as a woman. I may not want to be living a lie as a trans man, but I’d rather be an alive and healthy trans man than a dead “real” me, who couldn’t handle the world. I’d rather be alive than dead or miserable. So sometimes it feels like transitioning and living a lie is my best bet. Because if I’m only 21 years old, and have wanted to hurt/alter/end myself countless times over tiny trivial things that people say, then how the fuck will I make it to 80 years old at this rate? Atleast trans man me could handle pressure and backlash and even hatred, and just brush it off my shoulders. I could very well see the trans man me living to 80, but the “real” female me, I’m not so sure.

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It also required a high dose of T and about 9 months of being on it for the inner “switch” to happen in my brain. The way I viewed the world was so different and much more rational.

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I also have borderline personality disorder and it’s said that testosterone deceased BPD symptoms, whereas estrogen increases it and makes it more severe, hence why it’s women who get the majority of BPD diagnosis.

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Anyway, this was just a rant because I feel stuck in life. If anyone has any advice or anything feel free to tell me. I shouldn’t have to add this in, but no rude comments please. Like, what I mean is, no insults. It’s pretty sad/pathetic that as a woman I have to put “please no mean comments” in almost every single one of my posts, but I don’t know what else to do. As a trans man, I didn’t feel the need to do that.

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And before anyone suggests that it’s only an “online/internet” issue, it’s not. This applies for real life too. I’m sensitive in real life too. It’s just a bit worse online because people have a bit less of a filter online. But I still get rude people in real life every now and then too.

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