I'm just going to try to summarize this quickly. as I can

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Long story short, when I was a normal female pre-T, I envied male body characteristics, male voice, the way males get treated in certain contexts or dating contexts, etc. It got to the point where i was so incredibly jealous, that i refused to talk to anyone and wass very rude and aggressive to everyone because i felt like "well why would I be nice to people if im not happy? im not going to be nice to people until i have what i want- male characteristics. and unless people can give me male characteristics, they have no use to me."

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Then I transitioned to a trans man and then I was happy once I got those changes and being treated differently. But then after 2 years of being on T, i started to envy female body characteristics, a female voice, and the way females get treated in certain contextes or dating contexts, etc. And once again, it got to the point where i was so incredibly jealous, that i refused to talk to anyone and wass very rude and aggressive to everyone because i felt like "well why would I be nice to people if im not happy? im not going to be nice to people until i have what i want- female characteristics. and unless people can give me female charactertics, they have no use to me."

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So then, I detransitioned. I have only been off T for half a year but I already am starting to experience some envy again regarding male characteristics and treatment and it only gets slightly worse with every month that passes. Some things I'm beginning to envy about men are their expectations in dating, having a normal hetero traditional relationship with a woman and playing the man role, and appearance.

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My life just feels like a constant cycle of "ooh, i want A!"

*gets "A"*

Okay, now that I have A, i want B

*gets B*

Okay, now that I have B, I want A

*gets A again*

Okay, now that I have A, i want B again

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I'm being driven insane and i want it to stop. and it's odd because i'm not a kid or anything, Im a 21 year old adult who is soon 22, and i just think it's quite ridiculous to still be going through that insane mentality. If i were like 16, I would consider it to be just a phase and part of growing up and puberty, but truth be told, a lot of this really amped up for me when i turned 18 years old because i realized that now that i was 18, i finally had power to gain the things i want, so my desires only became that much stronger. So, ironically enough, it was in my adult years, not my teenage years, that this mentality i just described became incredibly severe and unyeilding.