I lived socially and medically as a transgender man for 2 years. And what I noticed in that time is that 1.) i got a large abundance of physical stamina and energy, and adrenaline. And secondly, I also just mentally felt more competitive, dominant, hard-working, more motivated, and I would get the desire to be a provider, I remember that finding a stay at home girlfriend was a big desire for me when i was a trans man, someone to be that sweet lovely soft empathetic person who would greet me after a long day with food and a clean house. So working as a trans man was never a problem for me and i made huge advances career wise that i dont think i wouldnt done if not for the testosterone and while i wass a trans man i made more money than i ever have in my entire adult life. I am only in my early twenties so the jobs I had previously had were all crappy non skilled things, but as a trans man i started working skilled jobs and becoming more valuable career wise.

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I "detransitioned" multiple times, so, this is not my first time on the rodeo. But everytime i detransition and go back to being estrogen dominant and looking more or less like my old self again.. just not looking like a man anymore, things always change. I beleive the changes i get 100% have to do with hormones and that's it. When i am estrogen dominant and just a natural woman, I always have no drive to work, no motivation career wise, and working always feels painful and i dread it. And i want to make it clear that this has nothing to do with the kind of career it is. I worked the same job during my detransition but after i wasnt testosterone dominant i couldnt take it anymore. I began to cry or have small mini mental breakdowns because I just did not want to go into work, it felt like too much work and too much stress. As a woman, I always desire to be a stay at home.. whatever, and just take care of the house. It's extremely hard for me to hold down a job as a woman and i frequently get the desire to quit, just walk out and never come back, or cut down my hours to an unliveable degree.

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My motivation, energy, and ease of holding down a job as a trans man was one of the huge things stopping me from wanting to stop T, because i knew i would go back to being the mess i am now who cant hold down a job and cries at the thought of even going to the job the next day, no matter what job it is. It couldve been a job where i just took care of cats all day long (i love cats) but I'd still get anxiety and dread over working. As a trans man i didnt get that feeling.

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I think it was due to the hormones. I also have borderline personality disorder and one huge symptom of that, is that we have no internal sense of self/identity, therefore its easy for us to sort of become an entirely differrent person with little to no effort or trouble whatsoever. A normal person finds it much more hard to act completely different than their normal persona, but someone with BPD will normally find it effortless to pretend to be someone completely different, because we dont even feel like we have a true "self" so it's easy for us to just morph into different characters at a whim. For me, that explains why my "trans man" self was/is SO incredibly different than my "normal female" self. BUT (A HUGE BUT) THE HORMONES ALSO HELPED ME ACHIEVE THIS. IT WAS A COMBINATION OF THE HORMONES AND MY BPD, NOT JUST THE BPD ALONE! On T, the way i processed things felt entirely different, like a whole new way of seeing the world. So it is difficult for me to tap into that "trans man persona" without testosterone, because the testosterone really helped to fuel it and set the persona off.

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My "trans man" self:

-Driven, aggressive, motivated, decisive, self assured, confident, hard-working, providing, reliable, dependable, loyal, a go getter, doesn't give up, self-reliant.

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My normal female self

-Incredibly lazy, un-motivated, hates working, avoids anything and everything that is slightly too difficult, wants the easy way out on everything, not self reliant at all- very needy and dependent, non-loyal (to jobs), and indecisive.

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Despite the fact that testosterone made me have all those positive qualities i am NOT going to just go back on T solely to get those qualities back. I am not a man, therefore it is idiocy to pretend to be one for the rest of my life. Despite that, when I compare my normal self to my trans man self, my trans man self just seemed so much of a better/more impressive person in every way, shape and form. And it's hard not to grieve that and miss that.

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I beleive that testosterone and estrogen dominant bodies both have their strengths and weaknesses that are both equal and amazing. However, it's hard for me to figure out what my strengths are in this modern society where women have to be just as strong and hard of a worker as men. I know hormones effect everyone differently, but for me, when I am estrogen-dominant, I simply just don't feel made/suited for this modern world. Sometimes it feels like the only way I will ever be indepdent and survive is to transition into a trans man again. But obviously I don't want to do that.