i miss my ex, so so much. i found a rebound as soon as i broke up with him - a guy that has some of his key features (nearly the same height, same hair color, same eye color), and not a day has gone by that i haven't cried about him. it's been three months no-contact and it's killing me, it's slowly eating me alive.

i tried to kill myself in april, like two weeks after i broke up with my ex and i really wish it worked because everything in my life has gone completely downhill since i attempted.

my aunt and uncle put me on their own version of a suicide watch, which was basically me not being allowed in my room unless it's time for bed, not being able to go outside, not being able to see or talk to anyone, all until i was stable on my meds for two weeks

after like two months of being stable on my meds, i went to indiana for a week and stopped taking them, i also threw them out. i ended up spiraling so quickly downhill that i cheated on the rebound guy with a bunch of strangers that i found on reddit, and actually slept with two of them for drugs.

i ended up relapsing on cocaine with the first guy after being clean for 6 weeks, and i ended up doing meth with the second guy since he didn't have any blow. i literally whored myself out for drugs.

i quit my job on a whim by not going to work, just stopped showing up and completely disappeared for two weeks straight without telling anyone. i got kicked out of my aunt's house because i'm too depressed (my rooms always messy and im not pulling my weight) and at the end of the month i have to move in with a friend i met in the mental hospital the first time i tried to kill myself last november, and then im moving in with the rebound guy into his college dorm all so im not homeless and sleeping in my car

i relapsed on cutting and went deeper than ive ever gone just to try and make myself feel something. i had unsafe/unprotected sex with three men that weren't the rebound guy, and was extremely unsafe with how i met the two drug hookups. i could've gotten murdered or kidnapped or god knows what else, but i didn't care enough about myself or my safety. i honestly still don't, and couldn't care less about what could happen to me.

i've been floating in between manic states and depressive episodes and nearly tried to kill myself again this week. i know i need therapy, and ive done all the steps to get it, i just need to wait for the appointments to be scheduled.

i just know that everything was okay when i was with my sweet boy. my puppy. everything could've been falling apart and it would've been okay with me because i was with him. as long as we were together i knew we would get through the worst

i feel like my brain is programmed for suicide and i don't know how to rewire it. i don't know if i even want to.