I've never had a real friend. A best friend. I often wonder what it's like. I was in foster care growing up and was a victim of a mother who placed me on unnecessary medications. I didn't learn how to interact with others properly. The medication made me a shell of a person. The lack of care from anyone in my life, especially in the foster care system. I then grow up, but it took me time to even figure out how to interact with people around me by the time that I did figure it out it was too late for me. I missed out on a ton of experiences and I didn't often understand how to interact with others, considering I never did before so if I did have friends, it never lasted. The folks i tried too hang out with couldn't understand why i lacked certain knowledge and couldn't comprehend the that I didn't want to drink or party so they left tooi. I am now approaching my 30s and I've never even held my own sleep over, or had a birthday party with a group of friends or even talk on FaceTime for hours. How am I ever going to explain to any friend I ever do get that I am lacking experience in that department? How can I convince them that I can even be a good friend if I've never even had one? Will they understand? Will they even want to make "kid" memories with me? Will they even want to have sleepovers, go to the movies, or even play video games together? Do our make up together? I do actively try to make friends by speaking to people in the places that I can go to any of the events that I attend, and even I have done bumble BFF. I try active listening and everything I can think of but no one ever sticks around. It's rather disheartening to know for whatever reason, I just cant find a friend. It's actually rather Lonely. At least it's easy for me to dissociate and at least try to forget how lonely I am. Sorry for the rambling. My head is filled with so many thoughts French toast and fruit for my meal today /: