I can't take the pain of my regrets, shame, guilt, self doubt, and anxiety anymore. I cheated on my fiance and lost everything about a year ago, and the pain of me having lost the best person for me kills me everyday. These past few days especially have been really bad. My friend did invite me over to his place and I explained everything and that helped a little bit, but that won't get the love of my life back. Why did I have to be so selfish? Why did I have to lack empathy?

I know since I was a teenager that I've had a really bad porn addiction and that shaped my mind and made me hyper sexual and feel like sex was such a high and mighty thing. Quitting porn for the past 6 months has made me realize that it's not. It's supposed to be a compliment to the overall relationship. But my life is terrible now. I live alone, I'm barely making it per month, living paycheck to paycheck. I have nothing worthwhile going on in my life except going to the gym. Yaaaaay. I let God down, my family and friends down, my fiance down. I fucking hate myself and the amount of pain I've put myself through. I can barely stay awake throughout the day cause the stress that overwhelms me shuts me down. I can't go on with the realization that I fucked up the best life ever. I fucking hate myself and plan on killing myself soon.