I've tried to write this a few times but it just devolves into my life story and its an entire novel, so I'm trying my best to keep it concise.

I(26m) had a weird anti-establishment upbringing in a single-parent househould, raised by my father who encouraged me to never try and reject society in basically all forms. He told me he was disappointed when I was accepted to college, to illustrate what I mean. So, I've had a difficult time and cannot keep a job to save my life.

My depression came into full swing when my girlfriend started telling me about her extensive sexual history. She's a couple of years younger than me and had been hooking up with random guys since she was 17 and getting into all kinds of messed up things like regular threesomes with people more than twice her age and other creepy shit like getting whipped in dark rooms (sorry to kinkshame or whatever) and having orgies with her classmates. And it freaked me out. It freaked me out so viscerally, even after 5 years together without incident, it still haunts me to this day. I have conflicting feelings of disgust, insecurity and envy. She's only my second sexual partner. Apparently shes been with at least 2 dozen sexual partners, a few of whome were my friends in college so yeah I had to write off those lads when I found out. Sometimes we'd go to restaurants and our waiter would be one of her old hookups.

Thats when I was diagnosed with depression and anxiety. I couldnt handle it and kept throwing up frequently at work because I was so shaken up. It felt like everywhere I'd turn, anywhere in town, there would be someone who fucked my girlfriend.

So now I've been through a few medication regimens; sertraline, sertraline wellbutrin, escitalopram wellbutrin, and currently just wellbutrin. With varrying degrees of success throughout, but they all just seem to fade dramatically over time. All my problems are solved for a month and then I become tolerant to them and I feel like shit again.

Right now, at this moment, I have no job. My girlfriend is supporting us as my employment insurance claim just ran out, we've both gotten fat, crushing our libidos and energy levels. I think she lowkey resents me for being a useless piece of shit (can't blame her) though she says otherwise. And I sometimes resent her because we never have sex, and I feel like it's because she got up to so much weird shit when she was younger that she's lost interest in sex altogether.

I feel bad because I have nothing to hope for. I've never had a dream, never had any prospects. I'm sad, and I don't know what to do. I have to hunt for a job to pay rent, but I am just absolutely crushed under stress and self loathing. I have no energy. None. Normally I would lose myself playing video games to distract from real life, but for a few days now all I can do is lay on the couch staring at the ceiling or taking all day depression naps and occasionally binging youtube.

Sometimes I feel like I should leave my girlfriend to spare her from being chained to my paltry existence and extremely petty emotions. She works so hard to improve herself and doesn't deserve to be judged so harshly for her past actions.

Tl;dr I'm a sexually insecure loser who cant keep a job, and I'm so goddamn tired all the time I dont know what to do.

Thank you, Internet, for listening.