I'm just venting. I got diagnosed with depression in January and since then I've gone on long sick leaves, occasionally coming to work and then being triggered by toxic work environments and bad bosses and feeling suicidal. Which led to me being on sick leave since the end of February. Today I went to see my psychiatrist again and it is clear that I still can't go back to work so she gave me another 2 weeks of sick leave. The issue is that since I've gone on sick leave for too long its within the policy to cut my pay. My pay will be cut by 25% and I have so much commitments that I feel so upset. I have to pay for house rent, car, my brother's car, bills and I have to save up for my wedding planned next year. (It has to be next year because religious fiance's family had some priest calculate the prophetic good days or something and it is mid next year. Anything beyond July is supposedly BAD. I've asked for 2022 at least but they're like nope, bad year.) I can't help thinking that it's my fault. That if I had sucked it up or been stronger I wouldn't be in this situation anyway. I'm in this vicious cycle of self-hatred and it is so upsetting. I know I need this sick leave, I know I'm not well but I also need the money. It's just so stupid of me.