Ive been all but begging to be commited off and on for the last couple months. Ive been through 5 meds and none have worked. Most of my depression and anxiety are situational and murphys law has applied to my last to years. Anyway this morning the only peace I found was in mentally thinking up the most compassionate, un-depressing suicide note ever. Im not me anymore. Ive have no passion left, Im gaurded where I used to love freely, and being one of the most loving, compassionate people I know Ive turned into a raging ass hole. Im at the end of my nerve. I feel like the only thing I have control over is being here or not. Im a huge people pleaser and hold myself and those around me to unrealistic stsndards. Ive been made to be afraid to ask for help. I dug an emotional and financial hole ( 99% medical bills) so deep that it would ve selfish and unpractical to ask my collective aquaintances to help dig me out. Not that I have the nerve to set up my own crowd funding anyway. Im at my best ever right now. The shit storm from every direction has no end in sight and Im not near good enough for myself let alone feeling like a burden on those around me. I cant get an ear or compassion without feeling like Im a disappointment putting them out. Or worse my ass flat out chewed for not being self sufficiant.