hi. (22m) i'm never serious on here, but today i am. i've been going through a really hard time for months now. this is the worst state i've ever been in, and i've been in some pretty bad states. i'm surprised i'm even typing this out. anyway so, my friends know, my brothers know, my mom just realized i hate myself right now because if anyone in the house sees me i look like i'm dying. i'm visiting home for the summer, and this has been the most depressing summer of my life. i had hopes and they happened, and now i just want to not exist. my mom asked me last night what i wanted to do and i didn't even speak i just nodded no to everything. my brothers are always open to talk and a few weeks ago i had to tell some of them to tell me it's not worth it, and gave me words of encouragement. last night one of them wanted to talk to me for life updates and i called him—i didn't talk much. he looked at me, made whatever goofy ass faces that would typically get my reaction, and i just stared at my screen. he asked me what was wrong and i was just quiet. eventually i told him to talk his shit and i listened. it was probably good for me to just exist like that. i am talking my meds and i've thought about stopping. i notice i don't feel this shitty when i'm off them. life actually got worse when i started taking them again. it's so routine to take them that i have an anxiety attack if i miss a day or don't take my exact dosage until i finish (yes i have ocd). not taking the exact amount drives me haywire. i was thinking about asking my psychiatrists to try something else, but i don't want to. she might give me something stronger maybe not, but i don't wanna feel reliant on my meds even though i need to take them. what i don't need are drugs which i ended doing a good amount when i was younger. fitting because it was another depressing summer at the time i started doing them. i know she wouldn't give me anything that wild as i've only been prescribed what i'm taking now. i've been having anxiety and panic attacks for a month now. my sleep schedule is starting to get fucked now. sometimes i sleep at 8 sometimes after midnight. i don't sleep long or i sleep for 12 hours. i'm just tired and needed to yap to somewhere other than my journal. typing things out feels more comfortable because i choke up whenever i talk to someone whenever i feel like this. to those who do know and ask me if i wanna talk i just say i can't. okay i'm done word vomiting now.