Hi. I'm 23. I have low/no desire to do anything. I've been killing my attention span and willpower for the past 5 years or so. I'll just mention whatever feels relevant in no particular order.

I've always felt a bit different socially speaking, I noticed this when I started high school. I didn't really do anything outside of class. I repeated high school year three times. I used to randomly screm in class a few times every day, I stopped around 16yo. I also ate paper around that period and later on. Paper, napkins. 

Outisde school I spent my whole day online playing games, scrolling, masturbating to pornography, eating junk food. I still do.

So as I kept failing and being kind of socially awkward, by 2020 I had really isolated myself. I was 20. Started smoking and loving weed, smoked like a gram per day, stopped, started again, etc. From that point onwards up until today I went hard on the degeneration, I had no school now which meant more free time to play, masturbate, scroll, etc. Drugs were a plus. Fantasizing about girls giving me attention. But that was the extent of it, fantasy. Daydreaming about building social circles, doing stuff.

Not long ago I had quite a realization, an epiphany if you will, that showed me how much repressed emotions I had. I always thought I was "just a loser", "just low self esteem dude", "just awkward with people" etc etc but that day I understood it's not a random thing, we are shaped by our childhood. I realized my father figures were on the abusive side. I lived with fear in my own home since 10/11 years of age and obviously learned to repress that and live with it, pretending I wasn't afraid of my dad. But it's all there, I resent my family for not doing much against it, I'm awkward with people, I don't seem to get them. My empathy is so low but on the rare occasion I manage to ignore my coping mechanisms, I burst out crying. I have so much repressed anxiety ANGER, shame, guilt, etc. 

I just KNOW that underneath all the repressed stuff is something good, I remember feeling more energized, smarter, more clarity in my brain, charismatic, funny, etc etc. I had a few good days where the baggage was dropped and I felt like this and Realized it was my actual true self, my nature. But the energy quickly drops, I suppose that it all goes into sheltering my ego from the repressed trauma/emotions.

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