22M, I don't want to die, I just don't want to stay.

I feel like every day I wake up means less and less. When I go to sleep I just want to be there forever, the only reason I get up out of bed anymore is because of work, and that's because I HAVE to

I work in customer service so I have to fake a smile and a customer service voice all day, but in-between jobs I'm driving in a car by myself, with nothing but music and my thoughts.

My thoughts in the car are telling me I'm worthless, that I don't deserve to exist let alone be happy. Telling me that if I was gone everyone would be better off, but I know if I died it would make people sad, so I'd rather just disappear.

I've been trying to get outlets and I've been trying to find things to distract myself from these thoughts. But nothing is working anymore, my meds aren't working anymore and they're making it so fucking hard for me to eat that I've been losing weight so I feel weak, and it just makes me feel worse because I used to be strong.

My ex keeps telling me I can reach out to her, but what am I supposed to say?? 'Hey since we broke up I've been feeling like I don't want to exist anymore' It's not because we broke up, but it certainly didn't help the feelings I was already having. But if you tell someone that they're just going to blame themselves. So NO I don't feel like I can reach out to her.

I keep telling myself I deserve this. I deserve to be unhappy, I don't deserve to exist.