Despite having a mother, a boyfriend of 7 years, a few friends I see every 2 years or just people to have coffee once our paths cross... I am alone.

My mother betrayed me several times. Now whe she tries to advise me I hate it to the point of rage. She was not there when I needed her, now I dont need her and she cannot help me anymore. She is busy with her newest child who she pampers and spoils, atop my wh*re sister and her 2 bastard children living in her house because she simply refuses to get her shit together.

My boyfriend is a dumb, clueless drone (a term in my culture for such people, like a male bee). There is no use talking with him or to him. He thinks love is enabling me in my suffering, like feeding me, housing me, on occasions allowing me things that no man in his right mind would. I seem like a thankless parasite. Why all this? I have no where to go. I have no home. I do not love him, he is a good man but not a man I need, someone to work with me, someone to bond with, uplift me and I him, someone to build a life together with.

I have written my last letter. My medication numbs my mind so I just sink into this waste of time that is my life. I have no job, it is difficult to move forward. All I wanted in this life was home and love. I am 29 and seriously thinking of not seeing 30. Where do I find the one I seek? All my life I only wanted him, my last, my love and home, my family. I think I give up. This stale life with my bf in the house his parents got him is just... awful. Awfully unfulfilling. I want out. One way or another I want out. I tried before, but I was too afraid of job instability, and being traumatised by homelessness and betrayal once, I fear it so much that I stayed. I stayed also because this is the first time in my life I was provided with security and allowed to freely rot, mourn and heal.

Im not asking for help, I know what I should and need to do. Im writing to a void, talking to a wall because my loneliness is killing me (ha). I dont touch grass for days and if not for having to assist my mom every week or two for a few hours I would not step outside the house at all, except to take out trash. My last period was 11 days late, most likely because of the lack of sunlight and rapid intake of SSRIs after a week of quitting... because I could not bring myself to step outside and get my perscription.

I would always comb my hair daily even if I did not wash my face and body for a week or more. I even stopped doing that, only combing once the matting starts to worry me. I have always neglected by body and hygiene, most regretably my teeth. Even if I dissappeared from this house of staleness and wanted to reach out, what man would want a woman with dentures? Just think of the reasons.... Im ashamed of myself. I see no other way to progress but to stop struggling. I am a weakling who learned to snuff her ambition, but never curiosity. I hate not knowing what family love is, it is a foreign concept, like trying to imagine what a foreign food you never had tastes like. You assume its yummy, but you just cannot know because you never experienced it.

I fully gave in into my broken mind. My outlook is grim and sad, my ambition non existent, my desires unfulfilled. They say its my responsibility to fix myself for the wrong others brought upon me. I tried, it did work, but only to stop the most severe pain. The rotten core still remains because Im weak and I admit, I give up.

I am just a lazy slob who gave up and "wants everything handed to me". I just don't want to suffer anymore. My feelings are real but stupid, almost baseless. Im afraid to give myself to the Earth. I wish I was not, I wish I just became determined one calm day and did it, far away, hidden, so Im not found and hopefully never identified. I wish for all my posessions to be burned so nothing remains of me.

Where do I find you, my destiny? I can change, I have it in me, I have experienced it and proved it before. There are things to live for, but when murdering your desires and ambitions you say "Its just not meant to be", and you make peace with it. I need to think long and hard before finding something I would truly regret leaving behind. The one I know right now is not finding him, while he probably suffers like me or worse.

It is always so sad for me to talk at a wall like this, worse is retelling this to random strangers online time and time again and never feeling better, just stupid for being annoying. I wish to go, there is nothing for me on this Earth. My last desire is to feed it how it fed me.