I just feel so overwhelmed right now. I have for awhile actually. I hate my marriage… we haven’t been happy in years. I’ve begged for a divorce or for him to move out and he refuses and would rather me leave with all the kids and lose everything we own. I don’t have much family support as my dad got heavy into alcohol and is very angry all the time. We moved 7 hours from all my friends and family anyway, so I never have a break to go visit with anyone when I’m upset. My husband is just so mean and lazy. And any time something happens it’s me who has to figure it out. In the last year I’ve had to take out and max out 5 credit cards just to pay bills because he won’t hold a job. Every bill we’ve been short on, every popped tire, car repair, house repair, kids clothes, school supplies, birthday presents, christmases.. it’s always been on me. I was working up until I had my most recent baby who is 10 months old. Worked through all my pregnancies. I have other kids and I just feel like my husband does not like kids at all and it breaks my heart for my kids I feel like I’m ruining their life because I can’t give them a good dad. I want to start working again just to get out of the house and make more money because I put myself through college and could have a decent job in the oilfield. College started first as a single mom of 2 under 2 and then through two more pregnancies after I got married. No one believed in me. No one cheered me on or rooted for me. Everyone told me I wouldn’t be able to do it and why bother and my life was already over because I have kids. I graduated top 10% of my college with a 3.63/4 gpa. My husband still thinks I’m stupid or something. I just really wish things were different. I feel like he has done nothing but set me back in all aspects of life. I wanted to go to college so we didn’t live in poverty forever but every time I take one step forward he pushes me back ten more. I can’t afford child care to start working and I don’t trust him to stay home with the kids because at times he can be too rough. His own mom called cps and the cops on him for spanking our son too hard where it left a welt. I’m always made to feel like the bad guy from his side of the family too because I’ve asked him for a divorce numerous times because he spent 2 years saying he didn’t love me but I’m the bad guy for wanting better for myself and my children. I just feel so stuck and I don’t know what to do anymore. We’re supposed to be buying this house next year (rent to own agreement) but I don’t even want to anymore I don’t want myself tied to him even more. Some times I really want to die but I can’t bare the thought of leaving my two youngest in his care (my older 2 have a different dad who’s good to them). He doesn’t care we don’t have money for bills let alone Christmas. He got a really good job making more then he was anywhere else and worked block schedule so only 3-4 days a week and he was constantly calling in, until he lost that job, that’s not what I want for my life. That’s not the example I want set for my children. If I’m going to be married I want it to be a partnership, I want help, I want someone willing to fix things when they go wrong. Not someone watching me prep and make dinner with two kids sitting at my feet and when I ask him if he heard what one of the littles said because it was cute I get yelled at. My oldest kid used to be the sweetest funniest kid ever and now he’s mean and disrespectful and I know it’s because of how my husband treats us. I know he’s hurting. I feel like I’m messing my own kid up and it breaks my heart but I have no where else to go, not with 4 kids. I just want to go back in time. The only good thing that came out of my marriage was my 3 year old and 10 month old. I just don’t even know what to do anymore, everything is a fight and my heart can’t take it.