I try to be just and equitable in all I do and generally try to do what is right. I try to explain to my mom sometimes I am tempted to stray from that and she then threw that in my face. I also said that heavy metal helped me feel better today and said it was of the devil and I need to get right with God. Nevermind I cried this past Saturday asking God to help me get through my predicament. I tried to explain how I feel like no one has empathy for my predicament or she has not gone through this and she is like man up. Thanks mom, I will just wish my autism away and be fucking Dan Bilzerian mom. Wow I am cured.

She brought up my ex who separated from me after talking about things (including metal) that has been making me feel better, and basically ignored when I explained that brought back bad feelings and made me drop back to where I was before enjoying myself. All I am doing to he ris arguing and engaging in the demonic. On top of that she says I need meds but just wants to sugar coat the real issues of autism and the hell that is modern dating. Jesus will make it all better! I don't mean to disparage it but all I get from church are judgemental normies that dont get shit and believe it is still 1995.

I am trying to be better and if there is a big guy up there I hope he understands I am trying to do my best. I do feel better after listening to a few suggested albums here on Reddit and I feel closer to myself. Also I have finally got back to programming on social network analysis for something and got back to playing Civilization IV. I also have some goals that feel meaningful and I hope they stick.

But I try to explain this but also explain I am frustrated that after dropping weight, learning social psychology and other things to smooth over my autism, and work on my work and investments I still feel like a stupid 19 yo nerd despite dropping the glasses , dropping the neckbeard, and trying to be more social. Just ask Jesus. I have no issues with this Jesus guy but the lack of perspective annoys the hell out of me.

Sorry for this semi rant but the lack of perspective kinda annoys the hell out of me. I am finding some solace in this dark time but it is a slow process.