I hate my life. People have so many expectations of me and most are unwritten and unspoken. I disappoint them without trying, just by existing I disappoint them.

The worst is having nobody who understands me, people don't even try. The few who try are just forced to and don't give it much of an effort. But I have to try to understand normies all the time. Every day I have to adjust to them.

It is so unfair. Everything I think, feel, say, and do is wrong when another person doesn't agree. Simply because I am different, I have no validity in the real world. I don't have any useful or marketable skills either. I am totally useless, but I'm not allowed to quit or off myself.

The more I try to please others, the worse it gets. If I try to fake it, people see right through it. If it's in earnest, people ridicule me for my efforts. Even when I try to improve myself for my own sake, I don't feel happy. No sense of achievement or joy. Just loneliness and emptiness. My life is meaningless and I'm not allowed to end it. It's pointless but I have to pretend to be okay.

Being different sucks so bad. There's no sense of understanding or belonging. There's no shared experiences whatsoever. Even in mental health or autism communities, everybody is so different that I can't totally relate with anyone. There's always that barrier and the sinking feeling that whatever I have, I have it alone and can't really share it. When I find something cool that makes me happy, the first thing I want to do is to share it with someone I like, and it never works. It only makes me sadder when they don't get excited about the cool thing I found. It only makes me feel even more isolated and lonely.

My life is a fate worse than death. With normies, even disasters or struggles can create a sense of community, shared reality, and bonding. That's not an option for me. Whether I decide to present a positive or negative attitude, it doesn't matter. Nobody cares. Nobody wants me for me. They want a normal person, they want me to act like one and discard who I really am. The few people who like me only like me for the facade and not the real thing.

I am so sick and tired of this unfair and meaningless hellhole that is my life. There's just no way to win.